Full Circle and the Road Ahead

Hey folks, just a quick note to thank everyone for keeping up with me through the past year and to update you for Christmas and my future plans. Well Christmas was pretty good to me, I got the new Corporate Take Over expansion for Cubicle & Computers! I so can't wait to have everyone over to play it. Speaking of having people over, Bri spent the night on Christmas Eve and I guessing she'll not be able to stay over that often. I don't know if its just because he's not used to her or its the scent she gives off, but the dog would not stop barking at the edge of the kid's bed. The poor guy had to spend the night outside where he whined all night to come back in. We're gonna try to him acclimated to her during the afternoons while everyone's out. If not, I might have to start looking for a new place. I don't want to, I really like this kid and he keeps me clean and straight. Tonight is going to be a good night. I'll be meeting up with Bri and a bunch of the folks from the meeting. We're going to Lukas for dinner and having a New Year's Eve party there, he's closing early and throwing all the normal folks out for our "private party". So the year has been good, not just for me, but all around. The kid and his bully apparently became friends, the kid even spent the night over at his house. He flat out refused to spend the night here, gee I wonder why. Probably a good thing to, I might just have fell off my wagon and right on top of him. Whenever the kid comes home from playing with him, I'll come out in the middle of the night to wash his cloths. The kid reeks of that little monster's stench! I don't want any slip ups and accidentally hurt the kid. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm under here, he's always leaving me goodies. He even left me a Christmas present. I found this little package wrapped up with a tiny bow, sitting just underneath the bed. It was addressed to "The Monster", really, I like the and I thought of revealing myself just to break the stereo type of being "The Monster", but I didn't. He's a great kid and all, but I don't think he's ready for that. I mean just look at Scotty. Oh yeah, we went up last week to visit him, brought him some stuff. You know, like some books and paper for letters. One of the guys said we needed to bring him some cigarettes and beef jerky, said that they use that stuff for money in there. We quickly reminded him that Scotty was in a psych hospital, not a prison. He asked aren't they the same thing? Well he did have a point, so we threw some of that in there as well. We found Scotty easy enough, he was at the end of the hall in his own little room all to himself. This place is super nice, they even strapped him down so he wouldn't roll out of bed while he was sleeping. He was laying there all snug and smiling. He was super happy to see us, asked us if we could let him up to use the bathroom. I thought sure, why not. No sooner than I had popped the last buckle, he jumped up off the bed, hugged everyone and ran out of the room screaming "THEY'RE REAL, COME SEE!! THEY'RE REAL!!" Well we decided it was probably best if we made a quick exit. Oh and yeah I'm pretty sure when the cops caught him last month, he was totally naked. He was already stripping down as we told him goodbye. We decided that maybe we'd give him a little break and not visit till he was a bit better. Well as for me, Bri and I are in a good place, we spend a lot of time together and she maybe even be the one I want to settle down with and raise a horde with. I accomplished keeping up with a blog for a whole year so I don't see any reason to stop now. I mean writing the blog, not this post, cause I'm pretty done with the post. There's not much left to say except for Happy New Year's everyone! Be safe and have fun. Until next time I remain your friendly, neighborhood, non child eating, under the bed dweller.

Peace, Love and Dust Bunnies!!

Almost Over

Hey folks, Rodney here. I know its been four long months since I've updated everybody on my progress so far. Let me just go ahead and recap for those of you just getting on board the train ride that is my life. So, I'm a child eating monster that has given up eating children. I want to be more than what I'm suppose to be. Much like anyone with addiction problems, I've been attending monthly meetings. I live under the bed of a super nice kid that is super clean and nice, you know everything that us monsters find repulsive, and all was going good until I decided to throw a party. That's when the shit hit the fan so to speak. I mean no one actually threw shit in the fan, we may be monsters but most of us are pretty civilized thank you. Anyway, after my party I was stuck with a small problem of some naiads refusing to give up claim on my pool. Thankfully a new lady just happened into my life, her name is Bronya, but everyone calls her Bri, also she's a Rusalka. For those of you who don't know what that is, she's kind like a Russian mermaid/ water demon I think. Anyway, she has the ability to pollute any body of water in which she swims and she had agreed to help me get rid of my little problem. The problem being that Davy's naiad girlfriend and her two sisters wouldn't let anyone use the pool with out paying tribute. I only had three days before the kid and his mom got back from their summer vacations. Well with Bri's help, we put a plan into action. I was able to score some drachmas from my friend Lukas. He own a little Greek diner in town. He's a Cyclops, but you wouldn't know it from looking at him. Turns out that he's only part Cyclops, some long lost ancestor or something made it with one a long way back. So it turns out that every now and then someone in his family inherits the abilities. He's super strong and was born with only one eye, fortunately for him because he's part human, the one eye settled on the right side of his face and not dead center. So he wears a patch over the left side and no one is the wisest. Man does he make the best gyros and spinach pies. Anyhow, he gave enough drachmas for two and I met with Cyrena and paid up. Bri and I got into the pool and weren't in for even a minute and this film started to form over the top of the water. Within an hour, the whole thing looked like a fish tank that the filter had gone bad on, like a year ago. Cyrena and her sisters came over immediately and tried to throw us out, I reminded them that we had paid our tribute and they neglected to set a time limit. They were stuck, if they tried to force us out, it would look bad on them, which meant that now I had them. I offered to make them a deal, they fixed the pool back and give it up and I would help find them each they're very own water holes. They reluctantly agreed and fixed everything up. The whole house was back to normal when everyone got home, I hate to say it, I kind of missed them, even the dog. I'm pretty sure its part horse cause it must have grown double its size since it's been gone. So, the relocation of the naiads when pretty well. Cyrena was placed with the bird bath in the front yard so she could spend time with Davy. One of her sisters took the fish tank at the library, it's one of those giant fresh water tanks big enough for a couple of people to scuba dive in. Lastly the final sister was set up at the giant fountain at the park, people come by and throw money in all the time so tribute is no longer an issues. Four months later and things have seem to have settled down. The family had Thanksgiving dinner last week, Dad and his new girlfriend showed up. From the smell of both of them, I'm pretty sure I would have loved to have met them when they were children. The grandparents also came for dinner, they ate and left as quickly as possible. They seemed pretty paranoid, looking around everywhere, expecting something to happen. It was pretty funny. A bunch of us went down to Lukas's after it got dark and had a little get together for the holiday. The man is a pretty good cook, I must admit. I met up with Bri there, we've been hanging out a lot since the pool fiasco. I know what you're thinking, what about Abigail? Well we're not really together anymore, she broke it off with me. She actually told me she needed a relationship with more substance. The Banshee, the chic that you can see through, the lady who can float through walls needs more substance. I'm just going to leave it at that, cause she didn't find the irony nearly as funny as I did, of course I probably shouldn't have laughed about it for twenty whole minutes while she tried to be serious. So anyway, yea, we're through. Bri and I are just good friends right now, nothing more serious than that. So, that's where I'm at right now, almost a year since I started this blog. Only one, almost two slip ups, I'm doing good, not even having cravings anymore. A lot of it has to do with this new product I found called "Youfu" it's two parts tofu and one part ballistics gel and its flavored to mimic human flesh. I was eating that when ever I got the urge, much like nicotine gum for smokers. I final got rid of that as well, you to be totally free of human flesh. So I doing great, looking forward to the new year and  to see what that brings. Yep good times indeed!

Oh, I almost forgot!! Scotty! The aftermath of him showing up at my meeting! Well, I had decided to skip the next meeting because I just didn't need that hassle in my life at the moment. I mean come on, seriously, he just show's up out of the blue at a monster packed meeting! That would be enough to send any sane person over the edge. Unfortunately, Scotty's not really sane, not anymore anyways. After the meeting he decided to quit taking his medicine and I guess some of that stuff you can't just stop cold turkey. His doctor had the police come by for one of those safety checks after he called his office and told him his services were no longer required that he had been completely normal this whole time and now he was finally justified. Well the police had to chase him four city blocks and I'm not sure if this is true or not, but he may or may not have been naked. Pretty sad affair all around. Well he had his hearing and has be remanded to Our Sister of Healing Psychiatric Hospital for no less than six months. It's ok though, there's a couple of my kind that live there. They says he's doing well and adjusting to his new place. He's only had to be restrained twice! Me and some of the guys from the meeting are going to sneak up there next weekend after hours to visit him, maybe bring him a care package. I feel kinda bad about his predicament. He is a pretty nice kid after all.

Anywho, until next time folks!! Peace, Love, and Dust Bunnies! 

And the Hits Keep Coming!

Hey folks, Rodney here. I know it's been awhile, but I've been super busy what with my naiad problem and all. If you don't remember, the kid and his mother were out of the house for some vacation time and I decided to throw a little pool party. Well long story short, three naiads have laid claim to the swimming pool and won't leave. I've been at my wits end. The owners are gonna be home within the week and I've got nothing. First I tried to bribe them and well they really don't do the money thing, they only want tribute and they say they get that from the pool. I tried to get Davy to talk sense into them since he's basically dating them. He told me that he didn't want to get involved, that it wasn't right to try to put him between friends. I quickly reminded him that technically I've only swore off eating children and that his girlfriend and sisters were fair game. I told him that I wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest, after all I kinda ate my would be girlfriend upon our first encounter. He said I was being mean and made me promise not to eat them. I really wouldn't have eaten them anyway. Greek food gives me the runs something awful, I think it's all the olive oil. Anyway after some research, I found out that if a naiad's water source was to become polluted beyond repair, they would abandon it. So I was thinking SCORE! I just need to dirty up the pool something serious. I tried all manners of nasty to foul up the pool to no avail. I was just about to give up when my salvation walked into my monthly meeting. The meeting was about to get under way when the door opened and we were hit in the face with the most putrid, foul, rotten smelling aroma, a truly beautiful thing. I looked up and there was the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever seen. She took off her coat to reveal the cutest yellow shortcut sundress. The yellow really brought out the green of her, well her everything. This chic was sea green from head to toe. I know this because she was wearing flip-flops. She introduced herself, her name was Bri, short from Bronya. She was Russian and had the accent to back it up. Turns out she's a Rusalka, it's kinda of a zombie Russian mermaid. The best part is they can claim bodies of water and pollute them, that's right people! Anti-Naiads! From what I'm told their shtick is to lure hapless men with their beauty back to their waterholes, drown them and them eat them. She said she's gone vegan and doesn't want to eat men anymore. My counselor was quick to point out the similarities in our vices so she sat next to me. During the break we talked and she asked if I could be her sponsor, of course I said yes. I told her about the problem I was having, I hadn't even finished the story and she was already asking if she could help get rid of them. Turns out she went on vacation to Greece once and had nothing but problems from the local naiads. They wouldn't even let near so much as a drinking fountain. The meeting was winding down and I was just about to invite her back to my place with some of the guys when the unthinkable happened, scratch that, the unimaginable happened! The door opened once more and in walked a human, not just any human, my human! Standing in the door way to my meeting was the grown man that used to be the last child I tormented. The child that made me want to be a better person. The child I didn't eat! Now most of us use some sort of Glamour to conceal ourselves to we can move about in public, unfortunately I didn't wear any tonight. It was super dark out tonight so I figured my hat and trench coat would be enough to conceal me. He walked in and looked around the room, he looked right at me. I had just put my coat and hat on and was in the process of shortening myself up so I don't think he recognized me. He came in and asked if this was the Monster Therapy Support Group, of course Bill, our counselor said it was. Told him to come in and introduce himself. he said "Hello, my name is Scotty and i've been afraid of the dark and scared of monsters ever since I was three years old. I've been on medication and in therapy for as long as I can remember and I'm finally ready to admit that I'm not afraid anymore and I know there are no such things as monsters!" Well at that the entire room fell silent except for a few coughs of surprise as it started to dawn on everyone here exactly what Scotty was. After a long uncomfortable silence, laughter began to spread across the room. Scotty was visibly upset, he looked like he was about to cry when Bill stood up and took control . He told everyone to just calm down and started talking, "Now Scotty came here not knowing anyone or what to expect, walked in here and poured his heart out and this is how you treat him?" Everyone started to quiet up , I was sitting motionless in the back of the room. Bill turned Scotty around and started to talk to him directly, asked him what he thought a monster was. After all, aren't there real monsters everywhere? Child molester, murderers, dictators? Scotty said no, not like that, real life monsters like the kind that live under beds and in closets. Bill asked well if they were real then couldn't it be believed that among them they were mostly nice, hard working folks just trying to make it in the world and that a select few run ins with some bad apples could have possibly ruined the bunch? You know like not all humans are bad just because you saw some on the news and isn't the term "Monster" just a broad generalization that could cover all sorts of people? While Bill had Scotty's attention I quickly exchanged numbers with Bri and started to make my way to the door. I continued to listen to Bill as I made my break for it. He asked Scotty what if there were real "Monsters", if they were decent good people would he have a problem with them, would he be scared of them just because they look different? Scotty said "I guess not, but they're not real so it doesn't matter." Bill asked him "What if I told you that you were in a room full of them right now? Now Scotty, I don't want you to be afraid, no one here wants to hurt you. In fact we want to help you. Do you want to know the truth? Can you handle it Scotty? He said he would try, I could hear the skepticism in his voice. With that Bill dropped his Glamour. Scotty gasped but was handling it pretty well, even for him. I just wanted to get out. Around the room I every one was "coming out" to Scotty, I could smell the fear starting to well up in him but he was still standing. I had just put my hand on the doorknob when Bill called from behind. "Rodney, you're the only one left." I wanted no part of this and tried to argue about it, but Bill was persistent. So, without turning around I took my hat off and set it on the nearest desk and slid my coat over my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I extended myself to my full height, stretched my legs and arms out and that's when I heard the loud THUD! behind me. I was then rewarded with that familiar smell from our past. I am truly sorry Scotty. I picked up my coat and hat and walked out door. I wonder how this is going to turn out, will he show up again, will I have to find a new meeting? Who knows. Well, until next time people!

Party Time!!

Well the party went off without a hitch, well almost without a hitch. Almost everybody who RSVPed showed up, even the Banshee and her crew from the bullies house. They were a little apprehensive at first, but the pookas really opened up when Davy showed with his date and her three sisters. Davy introduced me to his date, Cyrena, she and her sisters were Naiads. I didn't get the sister's names because they were busy mingling with all the new eligible men they suddenly found themselves surrounded with. Seriously I was glad they showed up, it was getting a little manish up in here. They seemed to get on well with the Pookas so they spent the evening getting all cuddled up with them. I think its the accent, who doesn't love the Irish with all their "we little" this and "Oiy!" thats. So after I made my rounds with the guests I BBQed up some chicken, made some hot dogs and burgers. I made sure and told everyone that this was a child free buffet. The two goblins that showed up from my meeting were pretty happy about the dogs, I didn't have the heart to tell them the difference. After cooking and mingling some more I finally got to sit down and talk with Abigail. I apologized profusely for behavior and what I did to her at her place awhile back. Hey, when you swallow someone whole and then pass them through your colon it can be a bit awkward talking to them face to face again. My friend Steve came by carrying a box, he said it was a house warming gift since this was the first time he'd been over since I moved in. Of course I opened it up, had to it was a gift after all and I love presents! It appeared to be chocolate covered bacon. I was very appreciative and held it up for inspection. It had a familiar smell so I asked what was under the chocolate. He said it was Turkey Jerky imported straight from Istanbul! It was then that it dawned on me that the Turkey Jerky was in fact Turkish Jerky or more to the point, dried strips of a kid from Turkey covered in chocolate. I politely declined the gift as I'm on the straight and narrow. Everybody seemed to have a good time. I was even able to get a date out of Abigail, you know to make up for the "Incident". I'll have to plan something special, but where to you take an incorporeal girl to show her a good time? Well once the party came to a close Davy came to me and told me we had a slight problem. Said that since his girlfriend and her sisters cleansed the pool and made the water pure, they were now claiming it as their own. Nobody would be aloud to use it without paying the proper to their Lord Poseidon. Are the Gods even real? I mean naiads are. Goblins, gnomes, trolls, banshees, and all other manner of mythical creatures are, why not Gods. So, does anybody know how to get ahold of a moldy old Greek God so I can get the pool back before the owner come home?

Waiting patiently

So this past Friday was the last day of school. The kid shipped off to his father's house on Saturday, brought the dog with him as well. That means no more late night walks for at least a month. Mom leaves for her trip to the city that never sleeps in two days, that is Vegas right? Anyway, plans for the party are going along great, gonna kick off the festivities on Saturday at 8pm. Got to wait till the sun goes down as so not to spook the neighbors suspicions. It's gonna be a great time, David's got the back yard looking great. I got a couple of nymphs tending to the pool, got to make sure that the water is gonna be ok for everybody to swim in. Chlorine can be pretty nasty for some of my guest so the water has to be purified, it's coming along nicely. I've got the food all planned out, some of my guests wanted to do pot luck. I had to say no to that idea, no telling what was going to be in those dishes. Almost all the invites RSVPed even the Banshee! I feel really bad about what I did to here and I hope she makes out. Turns out her name is Abigail and she and the Pooka's from the closet are suppose to come. I made the announcement at my last meeting and a few guys from there are coming over, even the Elf and the Troll. Hey, this is a bold new world and I'm down with what ever tickles people fancy. Anyway, should be a hoot and a half. I've got to go, I got to make a couple of calls, I still haven't lock down the bouncy house. So, I'm gonna run and I'll update next week after the party and let you know how everything went.

A post about nothing

Sorry I haven't updated in forever, I've been pretty busy with absolutely nothing going on. I mean, there has been nothing of note happening for an entire month. The kid is wrapping up school and getting ready for his summer vacation. There's talk around the house that he's gonna go and stay with his dad for a bit over the summer and mom's talking about a girl's trip. I guess it's some kind of all girl wine and estrogen fest where they stay drunk for a couple of weeks and talk about their crappy ex-husbands, I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Anyway, that's gonna leave me with at least two weeks of an empty house. Gee, what ever will I do?? It's gonna be great, no sneaking and tiptoeing around the house, gonna have some friends over, maybe cook out a little if I can figure out how to use the gas grill. Since kid is off the menu, I'll have to figure out some kind of meat to cook. Maybe some bbq chicken. Most of my friends won't be able to tell the difference if I use boneless meat and just tell them I jazzed up the blood with some extra bold spices to cover for the sauce. It should be fun, David's really looking forward to it as well. Since I moved in, he's been spending more time inside hanging out with me and the yard has been left looking a little unattended. Since I told him my plans, he's been working the lawn and trees over from sun up to sun down, getting it all looking good. I figure I might even extend an olive branch to the guys at the bully's house. I doubt the Banshee will come over, she was with me for a good while, in bits anyway. When she finally started leaving the building as it were, it was a bit awkward, she went in head first so that was the first that came out, talking about your screaming poos. She wouldn't leave until she was whole either, It's pretty unnerving trying to do one's business with a floating female head watching you, giving you the stink eye. I tried to make small talk but she just glared at me.  She's been fully gone for at least three weeks now. I'm gonna invite her none the less, we're part of the same community and we're connected on the most intimate of levels now. At least that's what the group tells me, oh yeah, I made it another month, got another chip yeah me!! Also on the relationship front, not mine by the way, a coupe has sprang up in my group. Apparently the troll and the elf have been able to look past their differences and prejudices and see each other for who they are inside, plus the fact that both as a species are pretty androgynous and then it just starts getting to in depth for me. To each their own and I wish them nothing but love and happiness and the ability to make decent potato salad, because that's what they agreed to bring to the party. Anyway, I'll let you guys know how the party went in my next post. Peace out!

Leaving So Soon?

Well I'm happy to report that the Grandparents have left the building! They left unexpectedly yesterday afternoon. Grandpa said that the next time they come that they were going to stay in a hotel, said they have never felt more uncomfortable sleeping in a room before. Grandma wouldn't even talk about it.(Giggles!!) Ok, I admit it, I might have had something to do with it or possibly everything to do with it! Ever since my last post I have been sleeping under the couch. It's very cramped under there and doesn't leave any room for me to stretch out, but I made do. Anything beats sleeping under those two flabby medieval gas bags. I swear, if I hadn't promised to stop eating children, I would have eating those two just to be rid of them. They are truly deplorable! Always pushing the kid around, making him and his mom clean up after them. I don't understand why they put up with it really. Anyway, while I was perfecting my contortionist routine in my temporary living quarters I devised a plan to get ride of the my aging albatrosses. First I brought David in, had him recruit some of his buddies. At first the plan was to just scare the crap out of them, but I figured that wasn't going to work with these two. They're old, they don't see or hear as well anymore so the normal jumping out of the closet booga booga stuff wasn't going to work. What did work was driving them insane! At first it started out subtle. David and his friends are so small that they can move about during the day without being seen. I just had them start by hiding stuff, like their glasses, dentures, the remote, little stuff like that for a couple of days. Then at night, I would sneak into the room to bang and bump things around while they'd try to sleep. My favorite was just when I'd hear the old man start to snore, I would jerk the bed and they would startle awake. The next couple of days rather than hiding stuff, we would just move stuff. Grandma made a pot of tea and every time she'd turn around one of us would move her glass to the other side of the table. We'd take food off of there TV trays and then put it back after they talked themselves into believing they must have eaten it. I got a universal remote and set it for the living room TV, while they were trying to watch their daily shows I would change the channels or turn the cable box off. The straw that broke the camel's back along with almost breaking Grandma's was when David climbed up on the back of her chair and started waving at the dog. Well I already told you how the dog reacts to him. As soon as he saw David, he took off like a bolt across the living room, jumped up on the coffee table knocking everything off. He launched himself into the air. At this point Grandma started screaming! It sounded like a mix between a dog whistle and a tea kettle steaming. The puppy landed about chest level with a solid thud, the went flying back and Grandma's legs went up into the air and then all three of them went down, Grandma, puppy and chair. David ran out threw the kitchen and the dog was right after him, not before trampling on her old self for a few more seconds. By the time the kid's mom got home they were already packed and had a cab waiting to take them back to the airport. Sweet!! I thanked David and his friends for the help, I didn't have to pay them, but I do owe them a favor in the future. That should be fun, I have no clue what a bunch of gnomes are going to need me to do. Things are getting back to normal, I'm back under the bed and the kid has him room back. The only thing now is house breaking this dog. He sleeps in the kids room at night but when he has to go, he crawls his way into my place and starts whining. It's not a big deal, I'm a night creature anyway, so I take him out. It beats cleaning up after him. I'm here to tell you there is nothing more foul than dragging yourself your dog poo when you're sliding out from under the bed. Anyway, I'm gonna go relax and stretch out on my couch for a bit. I got some friends coming over tonight, its the first time in a couple of weeks since I've been back home.

Unwanted Company

Sorry again for being late with my post. I haven't been getting much sleep as of late. The kids grandparents came in unexpectedly a few days ago and they've been crashing in his room while he's exiled to the couch. So I've been having to be super careful with my movements with two extra people in the house. Also, its no picnic living downstairs from old people. What's wrong with the elderly you ask? Well for one thing, they smell. No not like a dirty, unwashed smell. They have a tricky odor, you'd almost think they smell good but if you concentrate you can pick it up. They always have candy on them so you smell the sugary sweetness of whatever it is they've got in their pockets. You can smell the medicated creams they rub on themselves, the cinnamon for the heated kind or the mint for the cool kind. All of this is just camouflage, its all for covering the smell of death on them. The older you get the worse it is, you people can't help it, it's just there on you. From the second you shoot out of the womb its on you. The simple truth is from the second you're born you are in fact dying and the older you get, the deader you get. Anyway, I get to smell that all night as they root around in the kids bed. I snuck out last night and sprayed them with Fabreeze, it didn't work. Also, old people are noisy. They stomp around all day dropping their feet like they weigh a ton because they don't have the strength in their weak little legs to walk softly anymore. They shout everything at you because they can't hear anymore and they thing that if they can't hear their words they must not be saying anything. They're no less quiet when they're sleeping either, they make all manners of disgusting sounds, seriously its like a bean fueled symphony from the time they go to sleep to the time they wake up...GROSS!! Oh and lastly, I caught sight of a little blue pill that Grandpa dropped on the floor before he scooped it up and took it. I'm to polite to talk about what went on above my head that night but lets just say, COME ON!! THAT'S YOUR GRANDSON'S BED!! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?  Well from what I hear, they've decided to extend their visit for another two weeks. (lucky me) Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part of the Grand's vacation. They felt that the kid and his mom weren't safe enough, living here all alone. They figured that they needed some protection, of course they don't know that they have all the protection they need living right under where they're sleeping. Anyway, they bought the kid a puppy, a really large puppy. This thing is huge, furry and ugly. It slobbers everywhere, its super loud when it barks and it usually barks at the kids bed(gee, wonder why?) At first I though it was one of my kind in disguise, nope, its just a really jacked up mutt. I know how this is gonna work out, Mom's gonna be to busy for it, the kid will take care of it for all of 3 seconds and then I'm gonna be the one who has to take it out in the middle of the night, house train it, and teach it to be quiet! Day one they let him out in the yard while they ate dinner. I peeked out the window at it, it had Davey cornered and was trying to chew him(good dog!) It'll be nice to have the distraction around, I found another drawing of a monster on the kids floor. He knows something is under here and hopefully the dog will make him forget. I don't know what I'd do if he finds out. I'll have to bring in up at the next meeting, well gotta go, the dog just squeezed himself in here and knocked over my speaker. Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.

Disappointing Results

I know my meeting was a week ago and I haven't undated, but I've been a little depressed. I missed my chip once again. No, I didn't eat anyone, but I came close. You remember, that incident with the bully. Had I not been distracted with the screaming and the bludgeoning, I totally would have. So its with that myself and my therapist decided that I should try again and hopefully by the end of March, I'll have a chip under my belt. The meeting was an interesting one. As you know I go because I'm trying to better myself and not eat children. Well we're not all child eaters and we've all got our own problems and hang ups. This week our therapist decided to get to the direct root of Bob's problem. Bob is a Troll, Bob is not his real name but for the sake of anonymity I'm calling him Bob. Anyway, Bob's problem is that he's a bit of a racist when comes to Elves. Now to be honest, I'm not a big fan of them myself. I don't hate them, I just don't go out of my way to hang out with them. They generally fall into two categories, old school and modern. The old school Elves are you typical Mother Earth creatures that hang out in the woods all day playing their flutes dressed in a tunic and tights, think renaissance festival extra with pointed ears. The other type, the more modern ones, well they are fully responsible for the hipster movement. You know, those guys were everything is boring and irrelevant but at the same time trendy but they won't admit it. They pay top dollar for clothes that look like they're second hand thrift store duds. You can almost see that at one time they might have been like their cousins but the tree hugger in them got mixed with to much douchiness. So our therapist brings an Elf in so Bob can face the cause of his hatred. I don't mean the actually cause, I don't think Bob even knew this particular one for that matter, I meant Elves as a whole. Now this elf was the first kind I talked about, a real hippy. You could smell the overwhelming stench of patchouli on him, of course it did little to cover the smell of his weed that you knew he had been smoking before he got here. Even with out his funk, you could tell by the Cheetos stains on his shirt that he was a frequent user. From the on set of the meeting Bob was very tense and withdrawn. Our therapist had him sit next to the elf and tell us all how it made him feel. Bob started going on and on about how they're not to be trusted, what with their slanty almond shaped eye balls and they're pointed ears. I started to feel really bad guy, the Elf not Bob. Bob is a flat out racist and its a shame. I like Bob for the most part, but he needs help. Well I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but by the end of the meeting Bob was crying and hugging this poor guy going on and on about how wrong he was and that he plans on making reparations for the eons of repression that his people had put his people. It was a pretty interesting meeting all the way around. Next week we're gonna work with the Gargoyle who doesn't like pretending to be a statue, he wants to be a florist.

On a brighter side, no more bulling problems for the kid, in fact, he's been coming home really happy as of late. He's been coming in the room, throwing on the music box and playing some good tunes. The last couple of days were a little strange though, he's been playing my favorite music and leaving the room. Just turning it on and then leaving. Almost like he's playing specifically for me. I know, weird right? I've been noticing little things like that lately. There's been bags of chips opened but not one chip is missing from it, just left on the floor at the edge of the bed. He sometimes talks out loud to himself almost like he's expecting someone to talk back. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this situation and get back with you all. Well, good night everyone, I hope to have good news after my next meeting!!

Unfinished Business and Other Follies

So, where to begin? I don't even know were to start. As you know the Kid has been having a tough time at school with the Junior Criminal Association. So a couple of nights ago I went down to his school to see if I could find out any useful information that might lead to an end of the harassment. After talking to a couple of bogies, I found out the leader of the group was a twelve year old named O'Brien. From what I hear he's been held back a year, he way more dumb that a person should be and is big enough to pass for a teacher. Well my two new acquaintances kindly gave me directions to his house. After that I went home to make plans, to figure out what it was I was going to do. Since I don't move around much in the day time, I sent a new friend of mine to recon the area around his house. His name is David, he's a gnome, a Gardner gnome to be exact. No, he not the David the Gnome. Yes he is short, but he doesn't have a fluffy white beard and a tall red hat. He looks more like a two foot tall version of "The Green Man" if you know what that is. He looks like a tiny pile of lawn clippings and he can hide very well. While he was gone gathering intel, I decided that the best way to stop this nonsense was to do what I do best! No, I'm not going to eat him, I'm gonna scare the bejezzis out of him. When I'm done scaring him he's gonna  feel the empty hole where is bejezzis used to be. Even if he doesn't know what a bejezzis is, he's gonna know its gone! Well Dave came back and gave me the lay of the land, told me the best way to get in and where I'd find him. I thanked Dave and headed out the door, as I was leaving he told me to be careful, that the family was Irish. I thought OK, whatever, and thanked him again and left. I mean who cares where their family is from right? What does that have to do with anything? Little did I know. I got there right after dark and sneaked my way into his room and under his bed and waited. The place was a mess, garbage every where. The place had a smell to it, it was ripe, by that I mean tantalizing and delicious. My mouth started watering and my stomach was rumbling. This was the room of a child so nasty and vile that I could live off the fumes he left behind. How was there no bed monster living here, this kid should have been devoured years ago from the smell of him. I just couldn't believe it. I laid in wait under the bed when around 10:00 pm he finally came to bed. I gave it until just after midnight to start, wanted to make sure he was good and asleep. He had one of those metal frame beds, so I started to drag my nails down the legs. He started to move at the long scraping sounds I was making. I dragged myself out making little noises here and there and I moved about the room. I could see he curled up under his blanket, scared but not real sure why or of what. I crept closer to the bed and the intoxicating aroma hit me square in the face. I was suddenly aware that I long pointed teeth, a mouth full of saliva and a hunger that needed to be filled. I leaned in close and drew a deep breath in through my nose, oh it had been so long, chip or not this brat needed to be ate. I couldn't help myself, my basic instincts had me now, I was on autopilot. I had my hands out stretched, about to grab him when I heard it. It was a scream so loud I almost wet myself! At first I though it was him then I realized it was coming from behind me. I whirled around to see this thin, pale, almost see through, lady floating behind me. She was dressed all in white, her gown flowed all around here. Her mouth just hung open and her screams seemed to be coming from all direction. Really she looked like she was drowning in mid air. I didn't know what to do, I freaked! She was going to wake up the whole house with that nonsense, so I lunged for her. Just as I tackled her out of the air, that's when the  closet door burst open with a loud bang. Seriously doesn't anyone care if there are people trying to sleep in this house? Four little guys came running out, I couldn't make out really what they looked like except that all of them were wearing littler collector's edition football helmets and were carrying what looked like weapons. They descended upon me and began beating me with what I figured out were golf clubs. I was rolling around on the floor trying to restrain this chic all while getting bludgeoned by sporting equipment. I knocked over a book shelf trying to kick one of them. I managed to clasp my hand over the lady's mouth and got to my feet. The little guys were clubbing at my shins so I booted one of them back into the closet and the other three back up to regroup. I turned towards my intended target. He was backed into the corner of his bed peering out of his covers. He was shaking bad and I could smell a little more that pee building up in his jammies. I leaned over him, grabbed the woman by both shoulders, of course she started wailing again. I open my mouth and shoved her in head first! I think she was still screaming, it was hard to tell cause once she was in up to her waist it started to get all muffled. She tickled going down and didn't taste to bad either, like a combination of spider webs and cotton candy. If I had to label it, I'd have to say this is definitely what gossamer tastes like. Because of my long neck and jaw muscles I have the ability to swallow things whole, very python looking, and she went down quick and smooth. Little did this punk know that this little act just saved his life cause I was now back to myself and remembered why I was there. I was just about put the final scare into him when something jumped on my back. The little monsters were on the attack, one of them clinging onto my shoulder. It sank its teeth into my neck and I screamed, I screamed loud. You'd have thought that the lady was climbing back out it was so loud! The one from the closet was back and was trying to stick me in the leg with the fork from a camping knife. With one hand I yanked the one off of my back and grab the little forker off the floor with the other. I smashed them together as hard as I could. They came together with a loud plastic on plastic smacking noise then they stopped moving. I actually managed to crack the helmet on the forker. The two on the floor froze and just blinked at me with their little golden eyes from under their headgear. I finally turned back and sunk my nails into the wall above my original target and leaned in close. Quietly but with the emphasis only a monster could put on a word I said "STOP BULLYING MY KID OR I'LL BE BACK!" He whimpered and nodded slightly and with that I walk over to his window, slid it open and disappeared outside. When I got home I found David waiting in the front yard for me and he asked me how it went. I retold my entire story for him and he just started laughing at me. When I asked him why he hadn't informed me of the other creatures living there. He said he had, he warned me they were an Irish family. So now I know what that means. Apparently the Irish have their own monsters and whatnot's that live with and watch over them. I found out that the lady was a Banshee, she appears when someone in her family is about to die and cries for them, very loudly I might add. The little guys were Pooka's, little trickster things that like messing with humans but very territorial. David says the Irish guys are pretty tough so he figures I just knocked the two out and didn't do any real harm. Says I should probably watch out for awhile though, they hold grudges pretty good. He also said that since the Banshee is more of a spirit than anything else she'll probably reform after all her parts are available. You know when she's officially left the building if you know what I'm saying. You'll be happy to know that the Kid has a hassle free time at school since my little adventure, of course O'Brien hasn't been back and from what I hear his folks are taking him to a therapist. Well I've got a meeting tonight and since I didn't eat any children(don't think Banshees count) I should be on track for my one month chip. Wish me luck and I'll try to update after the meeting to let you know how it went.

Making Amends

While I was sitting here waiting for information on the animals that have been terrorizing the kid, I got to thinking about my recovery and if I'm doing enough. I thought about the last child I didn't eat besides the kid. Man did I make life difficult for him, no matter what he did or who he told, no one ever believed him. I would wait for the night to get all still and calm. I would slither out from under the bed making small quiet noises to let him know I was there, maybe. I would always find him curled up in a bundle under his sheets and blankets holding his tiny plastic flashlight in a death grip, His parents told him he was to old for a nightlight. I would stretch out over him so the shadows on the underside of his covers would make me seem even longer than I was. I'd drag my fingers across the covers, lightly touching him. I knew I had him when I heard the shallow breathing and the light sobbing, then I'd draw back and wait. The room would be dead silent, slowly the layers on the bed would start to peel back with him trying to get a glimpse to see if I was gone. As soon as I could see his eyes I would lunge! The room filled with the joyous, faint smell of a job well done. Of course it would always leak through to under the bed(one of the reasons I decided to move you know weak bladders and poor ceilings) After awhile I got to feeling bad about it, day after day of this poor kid just crying all the time. He was all jumpy and twitchy, I had to stop. I didn't like what I was doing to him, to them or myself. That's not what I am anymore, he was the one that made me want to be a better monster. Well that one AA meeting I went to said you're suppose to apologize to the ones you did wrong and I figure there are just to many parents out there you know to knock on their doors. Besides I've been doing this for quite sometime now, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I do know of one place though. You see, I've keeping tabs on him for sometime now and I know where he lives, so I decided to pay him a visit. He didn't live that far away, so I borrowed a bicycle and road off. When I got to the front of his house I noticed that all of his lights were on, I mean all of them. To every other house on the block it was three in the morning, but there it looked like high noon. He had those little solar lights lined up both sides of the drive way. The front porch light looked bright enough to summon Batman all the way from Gotham. I made my way into the house as quiet as I could, yes the door was locked and yes I got in with out a key(not going to give away all of our secrets, sorry). It was just as bright on the inside as it was on the outside. Every lamp, fixture or illumination you could think of was here and on. There was no where for me to hide, no shadows, not one single dark spot, man I must have really done a number on this kid. Well I made my way down the hall and finally found the bedroom and him. I opened the door slowly only to find that this room had the most lights, now being that I spend most of my time in the dark and under things, a lot of bright light does tend to play hell on my eyes. I almost missed the string of cans that were tied across the bottom of the door way. They jingle a little bit but not loud enough to wake him. I walked up to the bed and looked at him, that was sure enough him, curled up in a little ball with tiny plastic flashlight in hand. His bed made me smile. It was regular queen size bed with a headboard that had a bookcase type thing built into it. Of course this was lined with light sources and absolutely no books. The amusing thing about the bed is that he had cut the legs off of it so it would sit flat on the floor. There was no way you were getting anything under it, or coming out from under it(I'm guessing that was the point). There was a small computer desk on the other side of the room. I made my way over and saw that it was still on, so I sat down. I pulled of Word and started to type.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the torment I put you through all those years ago, I'm sorry for the sleepless nights, I'm sorry for any trouble I have brought you over the years. I'll have you know that because of you I have resigned myself to trying to live better, be better. The child I'm with now I've vowed to take care of and make sure no harm comes to him. You can live your life with out the fear of anything harming you from the dark ever again, I'll make sure of it.

I truly am sorry,
Rodney

With that I unfolded a piece of paper that I've been saving for years. I would take it out from time to time to remind myself where I came from and what I once was. It was a crayon drawing of me that he had made so many years ago. I left that on the keyboard. As I made my way out the door I heard his shallow breathing accompanied by that familiar smell. I couldn't help but smile again, that's my Scotty.

Feeling Creative

A Monster Haiku by Rodney

I live under beds,

I used to eat your children,

I am now reformed.

Real Monsters

While enjoying a nice afternoon nap, I was awaken from sleep by the sounds of soft sobbing coming from over head. The kid was obviously upset from something, my interest was peaked so I decided to eavesdrop on him and his mother. After a bit of listening it became apparent that this kid has a problem much bigger than a child eating monster living under his bed. The poor kid has a bully, man I hate bullies. I know it comes off a little hypocritical sounding coming from someone who devours children in there sleep, but there's a big difference here. I ate children because that's what we do, it's no different that you getting angry at a lion for eating an antelope while you're chowing down on a cheeseburger(they're made from cows you know). Bullies are nasty, vile creatures that prey on those that they think are weaker or somehow inferior to themselves and they don't do it out of necessity, they do it because they can. As I listened more it turns out that there's a group of four of the little bastards picking on the kid. They've been doing it for sometime now, before I moved in it seems. The kid ended up with a split lip and a black eye because he tried to stand up for himself, four to one with no back up? The kid's got brass, I'll give him that, but the only thing that accomplished was proving he could take a beating. That just makes me angry, not only are they bullies, they also cowards. Well, I'm just gonna have to see if there's anything I can do. I really like this kid, he's super cool. I don't know why anyone would want to pick on him. Scratch that, he's a bit of a loner. I haven't seen one single friend come over here since I moved in. He's a geek, tons of comics and action figures and sci/fi stuff(I'm a geek myself so I'm cool with it). Lastly, he's pretty scrawny, even for one of you guys. He's thin and frail, don't get me wrong, he's not sucking an inhaler and taping his glasses in the middle. I don't even think he wears glasses. Still, that's no reason to screw with him! I guess I'm gonna have to go down to that school tonight and do some detective work. Ask the locals if they've seen anything, find out where these A-holes live. Oh, I don't mean go and chat up the other children, if I was going to do that I mightiest well just walk him to school and eat those punks in front of their parents as they drop them off... No I can't do that, I want my one month chip! No I'm gonna talk to my people that live at the school. There's all sorts of us there, I'm sure someone saw or knows something. There's the brownies that live in the library. They eat the glue in the book bindings and are always rearranging everything. That's why you always have trouble finding anything in there. The gremlins that hang out in the janitors closet, they're always destroying things. They'll find the weak spot in a chair and remove something so that when you sit down you're fine, but if you move the whole thing falls apart. Those guys are a hoot! There's all sorts of imps and trolls and everything in between living at a school if its big enough. Anyway, I'm gonna go down there and get the dirt on them and see what I can do to make it stop. Nobody messes with my kid!!

Fun Times!

So, this past week was pretty much falling into the suck column. That is until yesterday, some friends talked me into going out yesterday afternoon. I know what you're thinking, how was I suppose to managed that in the middle of the day with all you humans scampering about. I asked the very same question. Turns out there was a "Horror Convention" in town, Splattercon 2014 all things horror! Booths, Panels with guest speakers, all the memorabilia you can imagine. Best of all, costumes. Why had I not thought about this before? Every single one of these conventions, whether it be horror, comic book, or whatever, they have tons of people dressed up in the most ridiculous of costumes! I figured no problem, we can do this. I was a little apprehensive about it when we first got to the place, but no one batted any eye as we walked in. Everyone just assumed we were cosplayers. Lets face it, you're average geek isn't going to be able to manufacture anything that looks as remarkable as me. There was three of us, and my two friends are pretty much normal height to you people. Me on the other had I'm not quite eight feet tall, I don't look that tall because I slouch and hunch my shoulders. Walking around was a bit awkward, I'm pretty light on my feet and I can move quickly and smoothly. We didn't want to give ourselves away so we had to exaggerate our movements and move around clumsily to it looked like we were wearing rubber suits, me especially. You see, I have really long arms and fingers and I had to make it look as those they were fake. In fact I could only use one of them, I had to leave my other arm dangling at my side. Because of my height I thought it best to make them think my head was a puppet, kind of like Big Bird. Sorry if I spoiled that for anyone, but Big Bird works on the same principal I was going for. Giant suit over small person, one hand working an arm and the other raised high above his head, working the eyes and mouth of the oversize puppet he was in. We had a great time, people totally bought it. All day people would ask me what I used me make such a monstrosity, mostly I'd answer with something like foam latex and fun fur. Occasionally I bellow "WITH TEARS OF THE WICKED AND SOULS OF THE DAMNED!!!" I usually got a lot of laughs, oh and the pictures, everybody wanted their pictures taken with me. I'm sorry for their efforts, but we can't be photographed. Just like Bigfoot and Nessie, every time you try to capture one of us on film it comes out all over exposed and blurry. I know its weird, but we don't know why that happens either, just does.  Like I said, we had a great time and towards the end of the day there was a big costume contest. My friends talked me into entering, I figured I was a shoo in for the win right? Wrong! I took fifth place, really ?!? I came in behind Pin-Head, Cousin It, some chick dressed like Vampirella(ok she was hot, I'll let that one slide) and the winner was the Invisible Man, yep, I was beaten by some ass in a trench coat and fedora wearing sunglasses and an ace bandage wrapped around his head. Pitiful! One of the judges, suppose to be some famous movie monster guy, Jones something or other, I don't know, I've never heard of him. Anyway, he said I didn't look realistic enough, he could see the edges around my neck and I came off as campy. That guy wouldn't know what a real monster looked like if one bit him on the ass, and believe me I could have that arranged.

Looking back and foward

So I found out yesterday that a once close friend had passed on. I say once close because like most friends, after awhile, you tend to lose touch with them. We move away and we move on, it's just life. Well, we used to live together with one other friend. We lived with this large family, they had several children over the years. It was one of the best times of my life, some of my best memories are of being in that house. The children were the best, messy, always fighting, but they started growing up. When that happens, we have to leave, go out and find other children. That's how we live, through children's fear, excitement, their belief that at any moment that something could lunge out of the dark corners of their imagination and drag them off to oblivion. Children grow up, they stop believing, we stop being. Now, the older kids and adults do help up out from time to time with the younger generation, what with the "Watcher in the Wood's" and "The Boogey Man" stories, but when the last child stops being scared or amazed, we have to move on. Sometimes, some of us get attached to a child. We become invested in them, we're like an invisible parent, just out of sight rooting for them to succeed. When that happens and we stay to long, we start to fade, or so they say. No one really knows because we've haven't experienced it...yet. Some say you slowly fade away, others say it's just POOF! one second you're there and the next you're not. I've heard we start shedding and flaking until we're nothing but a pile of dust and rubbish to forever be mingled in with the trash we live in. It doesn't matter how it happens, it only matters that is does. I'm getting older now and it seems that more and more of us are going the way of the trash heap. I remember when I was younger and all I wanted was for the future to hurry up and get here. Why not, I had all the time in the world, my path stretched out before me so far that I knew there was no end. Now, it's all I can do to keep facing that direction. Sometimes I feel like I'm cresting the last hill and I see the finish line up ahead. To late did I realize that I wasn't in a race. I should have been taking a leisurely stroll, stopping often to enjoy the view. Now, I'm constantly glancing back trying to catch a glimpse of something I might have missed. Oh well, enough gloom and depression from me for one day. Here's to you my friend, no matter where we go or how we get there. May our paths cross again in this world or the next. I'm gonna miss Josh.

Post Meeting

So yeah, I didn't get my one month chip. It's all good though, I'm working through it and I'll have it by next month. Of course it helps that this child is not at all appetizing. His flavor to me would be the equivalent to you eating a sardine and liver mush sandwich with slices of soap for bread. So, I'm not going to be nibbling on that one anytime soon. I know what you're thinking, "OH MY GOD HE EATS CHILDREN!!" Well yeah, of course I do, hello, Monster! That's kind of our thing, but I'm trying. I want to be more than that, there's more to me than eating and scaring children. I have hopes, dreams and aspirations just like all of you, but you people just can't get past the eating children. Ok, fine you want to know why we eat children? It's because they damn tasty! The dirtier the better, I don't just mean unwashed, I mean spoiled, nasty little brats. That's like Kobe beef to us, I once massaged this lazy little fat kid for a whole year just to get him nice and tender. I'm telling you it doesn't just work on cows. There are a lot of variables that can alter their taste, in fact to many to get into here. Let me tell you though, they say that red heads are a dying breed. That because of their genetics they'll be gone in a generation or two. That's a whole bunch of BS, the fact is they've been over picked, hunted or whatever you want to call it. We've pretty much exhausted the population. They're just so flavorful and spicy, its not just a coincidence they're call "Gingers" MMMMM-MMMMMMMM! Anyway, I'm gonna do better this coming month if it kills me. Well someone is knocking at the door. It must be game time, Good night everyone!

New Home, New Year, New Life

Well, I'm all moved in. I must say my new home is very spacious. The kid has a king size bed, he's eight years old and has a king size bed. Man, I've got like two bed rooms, a living room, small kitchen, and a full bathroom under here, its great! Oh, I should probably clarify that a bit. You see, when you look under the bed all you see is dust bunnies, grime and what ever else is stuck under there. So I can understand how some of you might get a little confused when I gloat about my posh living environment. It's kind of like a "Vortex House" tourist attraction kind of things, it's all about perception. At these places, balls roll up hill, two people of the same height stand next to each other and one looks taller than the other but they're not. All the tricks are easily explained when you're shown out right what exactly it is that you're looking at. The thing is, the average human likes things just the way they are and anything out of the norm is just ignored or it's registered in such a way as to simplify it, hence magic. So, let's just think of it like this, anybody watch Dr. Who? Under the bed is the same as the inside of the Tardis, its just a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Anyway, I've actually got some space now, brought in some furniture, got a nice flat screen with wi-fi hook up of course(cant really have cables running out from under the bed now can we). I got a good feeling about this place. The kid is great, he's got a good taste in music, likes to read so there's tons of books laying around. Since his mom works all the time he's hardly ever in here so I pretty much got free run of the room when I feel like it. My only complaint, the kids a bit of a neat freak, I mean super clean. That means nothing getting shoved under the bed, no food being left out, no trash anywhere. That means I'm gonna have to be extra careful when moving about. A dirty room is easier to hide in. I'm gonna have go shop for myself instead of left overs. Worst of all, with nothing being shoved under the bed, I'm gonna have to go out and forage to keep the cash flowing. No worries there though, I can always hit an orphanage or a foster home. Always lots of kids, it's usually fair game cause nobody wants to live in them for long. Not a lot of high end products but it'll do. Oh yeah, this kid, he's super clean himself. He doesn't go outside and get all mucked up, not a lot of friends I guess. His hand was hanging out from under the covers on my first night here. I couldn't help myself, I licked. I know, I'm trying, its not like I ate him or anything, besides, I wish I hadn't. It took forever to get that taste out of my mouth, all fresh and clean. I think he might have used some sort of scented body wash, it was like licking a bar of Irish Spring, I'm gagging just thinking about it. Anyway, all is good, got my meeting tonight and yes, I'll be relating my little set back. The kid is spending the night at his dad's house and the mom is pulling a double, so I've got some friends coming over later for game night. We're really into this role playing game called Cubicles & Computers, I've got a level 4 Accountant with a +2 File of Collating! I'm hoping he gets a promotion by the time we finish tonight!

Moving Day!!

Well today's the big move. I got my stuff packed, surprisingly I own very little in the way of material possessions. Living my life style doesn't really require that much. I've got my laptop and cell phone(prepaid of course, can't really get down to Verizon to sign a contract), got my clothes and my odds and ends, keepsakes and what-nots. Pretty much everything I own fits neatly in my suitcase and a couple of boxes. Right now I'm just waiting on the postman, I've got several packages for Ebay I need to send out. That's pretty much how I make my money, I sell the stuff that accumulates under your bed. Seriously, you people are constantly pushing things under there and forgetting about it, then when you finally get around to cleaning up you never question why there's nothing under there. You just assume you cleaned it the last time and then you shove more crap under for me. You can't imagine the treasure trove of goodies you people are constantly casting away without further thought. Some people might consider it stealing but I'm sorry, after it sits in my living room for six months and you've bought another one because you're to lazy to look for it, it's mine. I've made tens of thousands of dollars on I-things and hand held gaming devices alone. Comic books are another big seller for me, I've gotten pretty good and handling and restoring them, I could open up my shop I've got so many of them. I bet you're wondering where does he keep all this stuff, there can't possibly be that much space under the bed. Well its a lot bigger than it looks and I've also got a storage unit that I keep the bulk of my loot in. I've got just about three of everything you could imagine, and if I don't have it, I'm sure I know a guy who does. If fact, I know a guy that lives under a sink at a laundry mat. He's got all the left socks you could ever need. Sounds like the mail guy just pick up the goods, so my next post will be from my new digs, I'll let you all know how it goes next week. Until then, check out my online store, its at "RodneyDownUnder", Ebay and occasionally Craigslist.

Not all meetings are the same.

Only two days into the new year and I almost blew it. The kid woke me up at 7:30am in the morning on New Year's Day. He started playing the same Justin Bieber album over and over and over. He finally passed out at about 3:00am this morning. I almost ate him out of spite. I couldn't take it so I called my sponsor this morning, he's looking for a new space for me. I'd take living under the crib of a newborn over having to listen to that again. Anyway, I needed to go to a meeting, I was having cravings and I couldn't shake them. Unfortunately we only meet every two weeks and New Years Eve was our last meeting. My sponsor told me to go out and hit any meeting. So while the kid was out I looked up local meeting on his computer and found an AA meeting just around the corner. My sponsor has a friend who's a leprechaun, he came over and "Glamoured"  me up a bit to pass as a human, and off I went. It was in the back room of a little church a couple of blocks away. I almost turned around right after I went in. I could barely breath in there. Let me tell you, I've been under some pretty dingy beds, thick with dirt and dust bunnies, but the amount of smoke in this room was so heavy, you could almost push it aside with your hands. I took a seat at the back, I couldn't really talk and share my stories. I mean, you really can't relate boozing it up and eating spoiled brats, they just don't relate well. So I sat there and listen to these people(while trying to hold my breath I might add) and I could sympathize with there plight. After about two hours I got a call from my sponsor, he found me a new place. Only child of a single parent that works double shifts, so she's never there, really the perfect place for someone like me, you know if I were still on the meat wagon. Anyway, I've got to get off of here and get my stuff packed. Oh the meeting did help some, the only thing I'm craving now is coffee and cigarettes, weird.