The Good Life

    Life sure has a funny way of taking you to unexpected places. It's been what, three years since I've updated you fine folks on my comings and goings? Well let me start with letting you know that I no longer live with the kid, but he's doing great.

    After dispensing with the couch dick, his mother found herself a keeper. He's a pretty decent guy, treats the kid like he's his own son. The last I checked, they were talking about marriage. Good for them, they both deserve some happiness and I moved out shortly after checking the new guys credentials. 

    I moved into a little three bedroom number in the same neighborhood, you know so I could keep on the kid. I'm technically still living under a bed but only because it affords me more space for my stuff. Guess who's bed I'm living under? Mine!! That's right, I'm living under my own bed, in my own room, in my own home. I do however have myself a roommate. You're never going to believe who's living with me. No seriously, guess who's living with me... SCOTTY!! 

    Scotty got out of the hospital and he needed someone who was going to be able to help him, you know, make sure he was taking his medication and going to his therapy appointments. I feel kind of responsible for his conditions so it just felt right that I should be the one to help him out. 

    I let him have the master suite and the second room of his choice. It seemed only fair since I've basically got a one bedroom apartment under my bed. I just use the actual bedroom for an office. I've been using my abilities to get around almost unseen to procure hard to come by items and sell them on Ebay. You now country specific items and what nots. Being able to bypass customs makes it a pretty lucrative gig. 

    The last couple of years has netted me a nice little nest egg, enough to afford my won home. Scotty living with me almost makes everything look normal. He even comes along with me from time to time when I need a human for face to face interactions with clients. This pandemic hasn't slowed me down either, I don't get sick so Im not out there spreading anything and since I can bounce around I've been able to get all sorts of stuff.

    Its's been pretty good, everything has been quite nice here. Davey have even moved over here, it really has become monster party central. Scotty knows he can't really tell his therapist about any of this. All his therapist knows is that he has lots of friends and he lives with someone he's known since he was a child. His therapist says he's lucky to have such a large support group.

    Scotty is doing really good. He got himself a job and a girlfriend. He's washing dishes over at Luka's diner. It's not the best job but it pays and that's also where here met his new girl, Moira. She's a tiny little thing with red hair and more freckles than not. She's a waitress at Luka's. Her grandmother was a brownie, so with that heritage she's barely five foot tall. She's super nice and she loves him more that anything. She also knows me so it's a win win all the way around.

    As for me, not much happening on the romance front. I do drop in on Bri any time I have to go to Russia though. We're just really good friends and I'm pretty sure that's all it's going to ever be.

    Anyway, Scotty and Moira have been seeing each other for a little over a year now and they seem pretty solid. I'm happy of him. He's have a rough life, partly do to me and my kind. He deserves som happiness. 

    We had a bit of a Halloween party over here back last October. We invited the gang from out therapy group, it was a pretty good time. Some leprechaun showed up and got piss drunk, but that I mean he passed out drunk and pissed himself. The funny thing is, nobody knew who he was. We just rolled him up in a blanket and sat him out on the back patio. He was still there come morning still passed out mumbling "Too La Roo" over and over to himself. We got a few trick or treaters. It was a real treat for them since this was pretty much a no costume party, other than Scotty, we pretty much came as our usual selves, no glamour. I did bust out the velcro zipper and put it down the front of me so I at least looked like I was wearing a costume to the candy beggars.  They all loved it when I stretched my arms all the way out to drop the candy into their bags. The parents thought I just had on some elaborate social distancing device built into my costume. 

    The kid and his friend (the former bully) came by and the kid had the best costume ever! He was wearing a trench coat, a wide brim hat pulled way down and a pair of sunglasses to hide his face. He had really long fingers hanging out of his sleeves and shoes that mad his feet look way too big. He was walking scrunched down too, trying to make himself look smaller that he actually was. Take a wild guess who he was supposed to be. I told me I absolutely loved his monster costume. He told me he wasn't a monster, he was a guardian, a secret protector of children. I gave him double the candy and damn neared cried.

    Well now you know what we've been up to. Just living and doing to best we can, and I hope you all are doing the same. Until next time everyone!

Peace, Love, and Dust-bunnies!

Long time gone

Welcome back to my blog one and all!! I know its been a good long while since you've heard from me and I'll get into that at the end, but happy days are upon us once again in our happiest of households. As promised, the couch dick is no longer here! I know what you're all thinking and no I didn't eat the bastard, oh I wanted to, believe you me. Nothing would have made me happier than to be crapping little nuggets of him out. Alas as I said, that is not what happened. Davy talked me into calling an emergency meeting of my MA group. I thought it was a good idea, I mean I needed to find out if eating this ass pimple would make me have to start over at square one. I got lucky with the bully and only ate his banshee, since she was technically a ghost, she didn't count. So at the meeting everyone was in firm agreeance that eating him was the way to go, of course it doesn't take much to get a room full of various creatures, who for the most of them are on the wagon from eating human flesh, to agree that devouring him whole was the way to go. Of course Bill, you remember Bill, our steadfast stay the course mentor? He had to go all therapeutic on me, asking me if doing violence onto this man would make my life better, how would I be affected in the long run? How long would it be before I made another excuse to eat somebody? What if I developed a taste for adults? What if I decided to start eating children again, but only the really rotten ones who probably deserved it anyway? How long till that happens? And I knew he was right, cause that's how it always happens, Bill would know, he's been around a long time. He's lived all overt the world and let me tell you, he's had some pretty epic falls from his own wagon. To start, most of the Mayans, sure some of the culture still survives today, I guess he got full there. There was Roanoke, he pinned that one on the Indians. The Donner Party, seriously when they found the survivors, what sounds more plausible, we ate them or some giant monster did? After that he tried moving to a deserted island somewhere in the south Pacific sometime back in the late 1930's, said he spent four years there, said it was like the monster version of Castaway. Well as he tells it, he was sitting on the beach trying to get his fire started when this airplane came crashing into the jungle overhead of him. He went and checked it out, said the plane was all busted up by the cockpit was still intact and the pilot was still alive, just barely. He got her out and got her as bandaged up as he could. He said at first she was afraid of him, but over the next few weeks, mainly because she was dependent on him, she began to trust him and the cohabitated on the island for six months. She was almost healed and was moving around good. He could tell she was desperate to get off the island but the plane was so damaged that even the radio was to far gone. Well all good things much come to and end and so did their relationship. She had used up much of his stores and all that was left was catching fish. Well after a week of not catching anything, one thing led to another... Let's just say being on the island wasn't a problem from her anymore. He buried the plane wreck and all the evidence that anyone had been there and he moved back to the states and he's been straight ever since. He went on vacation to China a few years back, but he swears he had nothing to do with that Malaysian flight. Of course Bill was right, if I was determined to eat the boyfriend I was just going to set myself up for failure later on down the road. Sometimes traveling the straight and narrow leads to a slippery slope and if you aren't careful you're gonna fall. Well I needed to do something, there's no way I was going to sit back and let that abusive prick spend another week in this house! My opportunity happened over the following weekend. The kid got invited to spend the night at his friend's house, you know the ex-bully. I've checked in on him from time to time since he and the kid started hanging out on the regular. Turned out the kid is a good influence on him, he really turned his behavior around and I almost don't want to eat him when I'm near him now, anyway, back to the couch dick. As soon as the kid was out of the house I implemented my new plan, Operation Break Up, that's right I was going to get the mom to break things off and throw his ass out! I've dealt with enough kids like him over the years, a poke here, a nudge there and they go off. Once one of these types explode, there no going back, there's no putting the cat back in the bag, or in his case, shoving the turd back up the sphincter. I started small by hiding one of his shoes knowing that would start the ball rolling. Sure enough, he was grumbling through the house looking for it. I planted it so it would take some hunting to find it. While he was searching, I moved the other one, he was seething when that happened. He started screaming at the Mom about where were his "GOD DAMNED SHOES!!" She told him right where he had left them in front of the couch. I was surprised that's all it took, cause when she pointed that out and there they mysteriously reappeared right where he had indeed left them, he blew his lid clear off! He started yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs, he started throwing things and smashing them against the wall. I was watching the whole thing with sadistic glee from my spot under the couch. I saw him ball up his fists and start towards the Mom, so I quietly reach a hand out from under the sofa and grabbed his yanked his foot out from under him and he face planted right through the coffee table! It's a shame, it really was a nice coffee table... Well Mom had had it, she told him to get his crap and get out, told him she was going to call the policed if he didn't. More yelling and cursing ensued, but he eventually left. One of his buddies had to come and pick him up, the dead beat didn't even own his own car. The house was finally empty and the only noise that drifted under the couch was the Mom's quiet sobs and the swishing of bristles and glass across the floor as she started to clean up the mess. He broke some dishes and knick knacks, smashed out a window and busted the front door before he had finally gone. I almost felt bad about doing it, we almost, he was a real ass and hopefully she'll have better taste the next time. It was getting late and Mom went to bed, I grabbed my coat and hat and Davey and me went over to Lukas's for some dinner. It was after hours so the only people there were our kind. Sometimes after closing Lukas will put a sign on the door "Closed for Private Party", and my kind can come and dine and have a night out. Bri and I use to go there until I disappeared on her. While we ate, I told Davy and some of the other guys what had happened with the boyfriend. Everyone got a laugh out of it, a few were disappointed that I didn't eat him. It was getting close to morning and we were getting ready to leave when Lukas came over to the table. He told me my dinner was on the house because he was proud of the way I had handled the situation, told me I was a better person for not have chosen the easy way of dispatching the douche. Then he added that he hoped he didn't come back so I wouldn't be tempted to eat him anyway. I never thought about him coming back, CRAP! How could I forget that? They always come back!  Especially when they think they won't get caught! I grabbed Davey, I literally tucked him under my arm, pick up my hat and coat and ran for the house. Sure enough, when I popped out in the backyard, there he was. He was trying to get into the back door, but he was drunk, you could smell it on him from all the over here. He was fumbling with the keys and kept dropping them and swearing at them. I pulled my limbs and neck in, put my coat and hat on and walked up to the couch dick. "Excuse me" I said as polite as I could, trying to keep myself in check. He yelped and dropped the keys again then stumbled around to face me. He squinted his ugly eyes at me trying to get a good look at me but I was in a shadow and concealed for the most part. I probably looked like some meddlesome stranger who need to mind his own business and that's exactly what he told me to do, except his version had a few more slurry F-bombs, a suggestion about me fornicating with myself and some instructions as to where he was going to place his foot if I didn't leave. I said speaking of leaving and quickly reminded him of the Mom's request just a few hours earlier, with some more colorful language filled out with some incoherent babbling, he stumbled down the stairs and over towards me. He asked just who did I think I was, so I told him, I was simply a concerned friend of the kid's and suggested again that he should leave. He started laughing at me and started mumbling about the kid, that just made me mad, and I was starting to shake at that point. He came even closer to me and told me he was going to teach me not to stick my nose in other people business and then he poked me in the chest. Ok, so he wanted to play tough guy, quicker than it could register, I shed my hat and coat, grabbed him around the collar and extended to my full height. I'm a good eight feet tall when I'm fully extended, so the dick wart was hanging a good two feet off the ground. I rolled my eyes back in my head and unhinged my jaw to make it gape open, plenty big enough to stuff him in whole! There was a high pitch squeal and then a warm splash as my feet started to get wet. I guess the real lesson he was going to teach me was how to scream like a little girl and to piss myself, cause that's exactly what he did. Can't say that I blame the guy, I can be pretty scary when I want to be. I refocused my eyes and bent my neck so I was almost nose to nose with him. I growled at him and told him that if he ever managed to find his way back and showed up here again, I would most definitely finish what I had started that night. With that, I could see the first rays of sunlight starting to brighten the morning sky and the faint shimmer behind him. I abruptly threw him through the way right before it closed, I don't know if eating him wouldn't have been better, now he was stuck between day and night. Worst case scenario, he wanders around in there never finding his way out, he'll eventually just die. Best case scenario, he pops out in some foreign country babbling about flesh eating monster with absolutely no idea as to how he got there. Also no Visa, passport  or identification of any kind, I boosted his wallet before throwing him in, sue me. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we've seen the last of the Couch Dick! Now what have I been doing for the last two and half years that's kept me from updating? Well after all the drama of getting lost and getting rid of the dick, I needed some me time. Mom and the kid were in a better place and with some coaching from Jimmy Two-Horns I was making my way around the betweens like a pro, so I decided to back pack through the old country. I met some new people along the way, met up with Bri in Russia (good times) and just generally got my mind right. I would pop back into the house every so often, just long enough to check in with Davey and crash for a bit. The Kid is getting older and I don't think he's gonna be needing me around to much longer, like I said before, when they stop believing, we stop being. So I'll probably have to start looking for a new place soon or not, I mean its not like Scotty's gonna stop believing anytime soon, I should probably go check on him and see how he's doing. I'm gonna eventually jot down some of my European adventures, but I'm gonna get some sleep first.

Until next time! Peace, Love and Dust Bunnies!

The Monster: There and Back Again

Hello one and all!! I know it's been a long while, but I'm finally back. What a long strange break it has been. Where have I been all this time? Well I'm glad you asked. It's a very long story, the short version is that I was in between, the long version goes like this. So there I was , a few days past New Year's. It was pretty late and I was feeling hungry. No one was awake in the house, so I decided to go to the kitchen and grab a snack(I was low on groceries and I'm not proud). Anyway, there I was, standing in the light of the open refrigerator door. I was just about to grab up some cold chicken when I heard a noise, coming from the hallway. I knew it wasn't the dog, he was sitting next to me hoping I'd drop some food. I could see the mom coming out of her room. Shit! I thought to myself, what was I going to do? The only way out of the kitchen is through the dinning room and she was coming towards it. I closed the fridge and went to the doorway to the dinning room. It's one of those large open archway types. I was thinking that in the dark, I could press myself against the arch and she'd pass by and I could make a break for it before she turned on a light. I got myself into position and pressed my back firmly against the wall, then I promptly fell backwards onto my ass! At first I thought I had missed my target and fell into the dinning room. It was pitch black but the dark doesn't bother me. Hello, monster!! I can see just fine in the dark. Well, turns out I was sitting in a small room about the size of a large bathroom. I heard mom walk by and when she turned on the light, I could see a crack of light from where I came through. How did I not know this was here?! When mom had gone back to bed, I slid back out and headed back to my space(I mean under the bed, no one uses "MySpace" anymore, everyone is on Facebook and Twitter). The next day when the house was empty, I had Davy come in so I could show him my new discovery. He was at a loss, he had never noticed it before either. Of course, he never came into the house before I moved in. This new found hidey hole got me to thinking, I wondered if there were more of them through out the house. I mean I know about the place under the couch, I use it for storage. I figured it was a space like my place under the bed. I had always just assumed that it was there because people sleep on it, just like the bed. Davy and I found "betweens" all over the house. Between every room on both sides of the door frames. I brought it up at my next meeting and they all looked at me like I was stupid for not knowing. There's this troll that comes to the group, he moved here from Chicago a few years back. He's a little off I think, likes to think of himself as some sort of monster mafioso. He calls himself Jimmy Two-Horns, is always dressed real nice and even speaks with one of those mobsterish accents. If you ask me, I think he's watched one to many Scorsese flicks. Anyway, he tells me that there are what I call "betweens" all over the place, you just got to look. Says that's why trolls live under bridges, the space there is huge. He said he prefers the bridges in the parks because of all the trees, says there's ways between the trees as well, I decided to try it out as soon as I got home. I got Davy to help me, I showed him what to look for and how to access a space. It turns out that the groups of trees that are in proximity to one another can have multiple ins and outs! Pretty soon we were bouncing in and out all over the yard, I'm sure it must have looked like one of those old Scooby Doo chase scenes where everyone is running in and out of the doors up and down the hallway. I managed to make it across the street to a neighbor's tree. This was great! I could travel around even in the daytime! Davy and I started mapping out routes and pretty soon we had most of the neighborhood done. It was probably the second week of February when it happened. I had just stepped out into the backyard, it was almost morning. As day was breaking when I saw an opening near the house I hadn't seen before. I figured I had time for one more walk before calling it a night. I stepped into the biggest space I had ever seen before. There was nothing here, I mean nothing! It was just an open expanse that had no end in sight. I turned around to go and my entrance was gone! The way out looked just the like the way in, a great big nothing and I was stuck in it with no visible way out! I didn't know what to do, my mind stared racing with all sorts of bad ideas and for the first time in this monster's life I was scared! I was going to be trapped forever in a bland void. Just as that thought had crossed my mind, a light split open just a short distance away from me, unfortunately it closed right as I got to it. That's when I noticed the faint shimmering of "between" opening and closing all around me. I ran to the closest one and poke my head out. It was still night, but that was impossible because the sun was coming up when I got stuck in there and I had only been there for a few minutes. I looked around and had no idea where I was, so I pulled my head back in and the opening closed up in front of me. I started looking out all the ways I could get to, sometimes it was morning and other times it was night. After about twenty or so openings I realized what I had found, I had found the way between day and night! I'm not going to bore you with the details, but all of those opening are like portals all over the world and it took me a long time to find my way back here. Many times I had to climb out and figure out where I was and wait twelve hours for the way to opening back up. I spent most of my time hiding and waiting but sometimes it was a pretty cool adventure. One time I was running towards an opening when a way opened right in front of me and I stumble through and fell on the ground. Turns out I was in the middle of a busy café in Japan. I looked up and people just started screaming  KIJU!!! at the top of their lungs, then they all wanted to take pictures with me. Thankfully I was able to jump back in before it closed. Scotland was nice, I met Nessie, or I should say those responsible for Nessie. Sorry folks, there is no such thing as the Lock Ness Monster. It's just a bunch of water sprites who like screwing with tourists. I had such a blast on Easter Island that I stayed for three days. Let me just say, for a bunch of guys that are nothing more than giant heads buried up to their necks, them boys know how to party! At least I think they do, I'm having a rough time recalling that section of my memory! So after several exhausting months, I was finally close enough to walk home. I still can't believe I was gone for almost eight months! It was just about midnight when I finally made it home. Davy was there tending the bushes on the side of the house. He looked at me in shock, apparently everybody thought I had ran off or died. I told him everything that had happened and where I had been all this time. He thought getting lost for a time would be awesome fun. I had to agree, at times it was pretty fun. We talked for a time about my adventures and my new discovery, Davy asked what about space and time? I'm pretty sure there's probably a "between" when it comes to time, but since it took me almost a year to get home from the last one, I think I'll leave the time travel stuff to the Star Trek. I asked how things had been while I was gone. He told me that Bri had come by a few days after I had vanished. She had kept coming by pretty regular for the first couple of months, he said her visits became less and less and she finally stopped coming at all. He said he hadn't seen her in about three months. He also told me that since I had been gone, the mom had moved herself a boyfriend into the house. He said the mom have been working longer hours and the guy had been watching the kid. Davy said he didn't like this guy, says he's a tool. He said he was done talking about him, but he did mumble something about wishing I ate grown ups. It was late and I was tired so I went on into the house. The smell hit me in the face like a bowling ball cracking a strike on the head pin. It was a familiar scent that I've tried for almost two years to avoid. The sweet, mouth watering, stomach rumbling aroma of spoiled rotten child, well almost. There was something a little off about it, almost like the smell that milk has the day after its expiration date. You know, it smells like it could be drinkable but just maybe not. Where was this smell coming from? I walk to the kids room, he smelled exactly the same as when I left. His room seemed even more clean, if that was even possible. I followed it through the house, sniffing at the air almost with an addict's delight. The smell at the mom's room was pretty strong, but it wasn't the source. It was coming from the living room. I could see shadows from the flickering light of the infomercials playing on the television. There was a foot sticking out from over the edge of the couch. As I approached, the foot twitched and me it made me stop. A thundering grunt of a snore come from its direction and I knew it was asleep. Well I guess this must be the new boyfriend, I was thinking it might be good for the kid to have a father type figure around since he didn't see his that often. I stood over this man and realized the odor was coming from him. I looked around the living room, there were numerous empty beer cans on the coffee table. He was obviously passed out drunk. I poked him in the forehead, he twitched and snored some more. Judging from the smell of him, he definitely was a dick of some sort. The things that children do, the behavior and mess that triggers the scent that attracts my kind, well it usually goes away as they grow. This is why you don't hear of people going around talking about the boogey man and such. Children loss the scent because they usually grow up and become decent adults. While it is very uncommon, but not all together unheard of for adults to give off the scent. It's not really appetizing to me nor is it all together appalling either. Sure I could eat this guy, but I don't have to struggle to push the feeling aside. What causes this rare occurrence is as simple as this, sometimes shitty kids grow up to be shitty adults and I'm fairly certain that's what I've got here. I left the dude on the couch and went to my place. As soon as I was inside I saw an envelope on the table waiting for me. In my absence, Bri had moved to Russia, said she had family there and since I wasn't coming back there was no reason for her to stay. I tried her number, it went straight to voice mail. I had left my phone in the house because I hadn't planned on being lost for eight months. There were 47 voice mails from Bri along with over 300 missed calls. Well hopefully one day I can make it up to her. I decided some sleep would be a welcomed comfort and I got in bed and passed out! I was woken up a few hours later by sobbing and yelling. I went to my living room and looked out so I could see out from under the bed. I could see the kid sitting on the floor, he was the one who was crying and I could see the bare feet of the Couch Dick. He was standing over the kid, he told him to stop crying and go clean up the mess in the living room or he was going to give the kid something to cry about. He yanked my kid up by the arm and shoved him out the bedroom door. So not only was this guy a shitty kid all grown up, he was an abusive one as well. Nobody hurts my kid! This didn't sit well with me and it took every fiber of my being not to come screaming out there and devour that douche right then and there. What kept me from doing it was the kid, how would he handle seeing that mess. He'd be worse off than Scotty. I could just scare him off, I know I can. I did it with the grandparents and the bully, I could do it to him as well, but I really want to extract some serious bodily harm on this asshole. Do you think I'd loose my chip for eating him? After all, he not a child. I'll have to ask at the next meeting, maybe there's a loophole. Either way, by the time of my next post, we'll be down one house guest, I guarantee it! I'm sorry again for being gone so long, hopefully it won't happen again, at least for awhile

Peace, love and dust bunnies!

Rodney

Full Circle and the Road Ahead

Hey folks, just a quick note to thank everyone for keeping up with me through the past year and to update you for Christmas and my future plans. Well Christmas was pretty good to me, I got the new Corporate Take Over expansion for Cubicle & Computers! I so can't wait to have everyone over to play it. Speaking of having people over, Bri spent the night on Christmas Eve and I guessing she'll not be able to stay over that often. I don't know if its just because he's not used to her or its the scent she gives off, but the dog would not stop barking at the edge of the kid's bed. The poor guy had to spend the night outside where he whined all night to come back in. We're gonna try to him acclimated to her during the afternoons while everyone's out. If not, I might have to start looking for a new place. I don't want to, I really like this kid and he keeps me clean and straight. Tonight is going to be a good night. I'll be meeting up with Bri and a bunch of the folks from the meeting. We're going to Lukas for dinner and having a New Year's Eve party there, he's closing early and throwing all the normal folks out for our "private party". So the year has been good, not just for me, but all around. The kid and his bully apparently became friends, the kid even spent the night over at his house. He flat out refused to spend the night here, gee I wonder why. Probably a good thing to, I might just have fell off my wagon and right on top of him. Whenever the kid comes home from playing with him, I'll come out in the middle of the night to wash his cloths. The kid reeks of that little monster's stench! I don't want any slip ups and accidentally hurt the kid. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm under here, he's always leaving me goodies. He even left me a Christmas present. I found this little package wrapped up with a tiny bow, sitting just underneath the bed. It was addressed to "The Monster", really, I like the and I thought of revealing myself just to break the stereo type of being "The Monster", but I didn't. He's a great kid and all, but I don't think he's ready for that. I mean just look at Scotty. Oh yeah, we went up last week to visit him, brought him some stuff. You know, like some books and paper for letters. One of the guys said we needed to bring him some cigarettes and beef jerky, said that they use that stuff for money in there. We quickly reminded him that Scotty was in a psych hospital, not a prison. He asked aren't they the same thing? Well he did have a point, so we threw some of that in there as well. We found Scotty easy enough, he was at the end of the hall in his own little room all to himself. This place is super nice, they even strapped him down so he wouldn't roll out of bed while he was sleeping. He was laying there all snug and smiling. He was super happy to see us, asked us if we could let him up to use the bathroom. I thought sure, why not. No sooner than I had popped the last buckle, he jumped up off the bed, hugged everyone and ran out of the room screaming "THEY'RE REAL, COME SEE!! THEY'RE REAL!!" Well we decided it was probably best if we made a quick exit. Oh and yeah I'm pretty sure when the cops caught him last month, he was totally naked. He was already stripping down as we told him goodbye. We decided that maybe we'd give him a little break and not visit till he was a bit better. Well as for me, Bri and I are in a good place, we spend a lot of time together and she maybe even be the one I want to settle down with and raise a horde with. I accomplished keeping up with a blog for a whole year so I don't see any reason to stop now. I mean writing the blog, not this post, cause I'm pretty done with the post. There's not much left to say except for Happy New Year's everyone! Be safe and have fun. Until next time I remain your friendly, neighborhood, non child eating, under the bed dweller.

Peace, Love and Dust Bunnies!!

Almost Over

Hey folks, Rodney here. I know its been four long months since I've updated everybody on my progress so far. Let me just go ahead and recap for those of you just getting on board the train ride that is my life. So, I'm a child eating monster that has given up eating children. I want to be more than what I'm suppose to be. Much like anyone with addiction problems, I've been attending monthly meetings. I live under the bed of a super nice kid that is super clean and nice, you know everything that us monsters find repulsive, and all was going good until I decided to throw a party. That's when the shit hit the fan so to speak. I mean no one actually threw shit in the fan, we may be monsters but most of us are pretty civilized thank you. Anyway, after my party I was stuck with a small problem of some naiads refusing to give up claim on my pool. Thankfully a new lady just happened into my life, her name is Bronya, but everyone calls her Bri, also she's a Rusalka. For those of you who don't know what that is, she's kind like a Russian mermaid/ water demon I think. Anyway, she has the ability to pollute any body of water in which she swims and she had agreed to help me get rid of my little problem. The problem being that Davy's naiad girlfriend and her two sisters wouldn't let anyone use the pool with out paying tribute. I only had three days before the kid and his mom got back from their summer vacations. Well with Bri's help, we put a plan into action. I was able to score some drachmas from my friend Lukas. He own a little Greek diner in town. He's a Cyclops, but you wouldn't know it from looking at him. Turns out that he's only part Cyclops, some long lost ancestor or something made it with one a long way back. So it turns out that every now and then someone in his family inherits the abilities. He's super strong and was born with only one eye, fortunately for him because he's part human, the one eye settled on the right side of his face and not dead center. So he wears a patch over the left side and no one is the wisest. Man does he make the best gyros and spinach pies. Anyhow, he gave enough drachmas for two and I met with Cyrena and paid up. Bri and I got into the pool and weren't in for even a minute and this film started to form over the top of the water. Within an hour, the whole thing looked like a fish tank that the filter had gone bad on, like a year ago. Cyrena and her sisters came over immediately and tried to throw us out, I reminded them that we had paid our tribute and they neglected to set a time limit. They were stuck, if they tried to force us out, it would look bad on them, which meant that now I had them. I offered to make them a deal, they fixed the pool back and give it up and I would help find them each they're very own water holes. They reluctantly agreed and fixed everything up. The whole house was back to normal when everyone got home, I hate to say it, I kind of missed them, even the dog. I'm pretty sure its part horse cause it must have grown double its size since it's been gone. So, the relocation of the naiads when pretty well. Cyrena was placed with the bird bath in the front yard so she could spend time with Davy. One of her sisters took the fish tank at the library, it's one of those giant fresh water tanks big enough for a couple of people to scuba dive in. Lastly the final sister was set up at the giant fountain at the park, people come by and throw money in all the time so tribute is no longer an issues. Four months later and things have seem to have settled down. The family had Thanksgiving dinner last week, Dad and his new girlfriend showed up. From the smell of both of them, I'm pretty sure I would have loved to have met them when they were children. The grandparents also came for dinner, they ate and left as quickly as possible. They seemed pretty paranoid, looking around everywhere, expecting something to happen. It was pretty funny. A bunch of us went down to Lukas's after it got dark and had a little get together for the holiday. The man is a pretty good cook, I must admit. I met up with Bri there, we've been hanging out a lot since the pool fiasco. I know what you're thinking, what about Abigail? Well we're not really together anymore, she broke it off with me. She actually told me she needed a relationship with more substance. The Banshee, the chic that you can see through, the lady who can float through walls needs more substance. I'm just going to leave it at that, cause she didn't find the irony nearly as funny as I did, of course I probably shouldn't have laughed about it for twenty whole minutes while she tried to be serious. So anyway, yea, we're through. Bri and I are just good friends right now, nothing more serious than that. So, that's where I'm at right now, almost a year since I started this blog. Only one, almost two slip ups, I'm doing good, not even having cravings anymore. A lot of it has to do with this new product I found called "Youfu" it's two parts tofu and one part ballistics gel and its flavored to mimic human flesh. I was eating that when ever I got the urge, much like nicotine gum for smokers. I final got rid of that as well, you to be totally free of human flesh. So I doing great, looking forward to the new year and  to see what that brings. Yep good times indeed!

Oh, I almost forgot!! Scotty! The aftermath of him showing up at my meeting! Well, I had decided to skip the next meeting because I just didn't need that hassle in my life at the moment. I mean come on, seriously, he just show's up out of the blue at a monster packed meeting! That would be enough to send any sane person over the edge. Unfortunately, Scotty's not really sane, not anymore anyways. After the meeting he decided to quit taking his medicine and I guess some of that stuff you can't just stop cold turkey. His doctor had the police come by for one of those safety checks after he called his office and told him his services were no longer required that he had been completely normal this whole time and now he was finally justified. Well the police had to chase him four city blocks and I'm not sure if this is true or not, but he may or may not have been naked. Pretty sad affair all around. Well he had his hearing and has be remanded to Our Sister of Healing Psychiatric Hospital for no less than six months. It's ok though, there's a couple of my kind that live there. They says he's doing well and adjusting to his new place. He's only had to be restrained twice! Me and some of the guys from the meeting are going to sneak up there next weekend after hours to visit him, maybe bring him a care package. I feel kinda bad about his predicament. He is a pretty nice kid after all.

Anywho, until next time folks!! Peace, Love, and Dust Bunnies! 

And the Hits Keep Coming!

Hey folks, Rodney here. I know it's been awhile, but I've been super busy what with my naiad problem and all. If you don't remember, the kid and his mother were out of the house for some vacation time and I decided to throw a little pool party. Well long story short, three naiads have laid claim to the swimming pool and won't leave. I've been at my wits end. The owners are gonna be home within the week and I've got nothing. First I tried to bribe them and well they really don't do the money thing, they only want tribute and they say they get that from the pool. I tried to get Davy to talk sense into them since he's basically dating them. He told me that he didn't want to get involved, that it wasn't right to try to put him between friends. I quickly reminded him that technically I've only swore off eating children and that his girlfriend and sisters were fair game. I told him that I wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest, after all I kinda ate my would be girlfriend upon our first encounter. He said I was being mean and made me promise not to eat them. I really wouldn't have eaten them anyway. Greek food gives me the runs something awful, I think it's all the olive oil. Anyway after some research, I found out that if a naiad's water source was to become polluted beyond repair, they would abandon it. So I was thinking SCORE! I just need to dirty up the pool something serious. I tried all manners of nasty to foul up the pool to no avail. I was just about to give up when my salvation walked into my monthly meeting. The meeting was about to get under way when the door opened and we were hit in the face with the most putrid, foul, rotten smelling aroma, a truly beautiful thing. I looked up and there was the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever seen. She took off her coat to reveal the cutest yellow shortcut sundress. The yellow really brought out the green of her, well her everything. This chic was sea green from head to toe. I know this because she was wearing flip-flops. She introduced herself, her name was Bri, short from Bronya. She was Russian and had the accent to back it up. Turns out she's a Rusalka, it's kinda of a zombie Russian mermaid. The best part is they can claim bodies of water and pollute them, that's right people! Anti-Naiads! From what I'm told their shtick is to lure hapless men with their beauty back to their waterholes, drown them and them eat them. She said she's gone vegan and doesn't want to eat men anymore. My counselor was quick to point out the similarities in our vices so she sat next to me. During the break we talked and she asked if I could be her sponsor, of course I said yes. I told her about the problem I was having, I hadn't even finished the story and she was already asking if she could help get rid of them. Turns out she went on vacation to Greece once and had nothing but problems from the local naiads. They wouldn't even let near so much as a drinking fountain. The meeting was winding down and I was just about to invite her back to my place with some of the guys when the unthinkable happened, scratch that, the unimaginable happened! The door opened once more and in walked a human, not just any human, my human! Standing in the door way to my meeting was the grown man that used to be the last child I tormented. The child that made me want to be a better person. The child I didn't eat! Now most of us use some sort of Glamour to conceal ourselves to we can move about in public, unfortunately I didn't wear any tonight. It was super dark out tonight so I figured my hat and trench coat would be enough to conceal me. He walked in and looked around the room, he looked right at me. I had just put my coat and hat on and was in the process of shortening myself up so I don't think he recognized me. He came in and asked if this was the Monster Therapy Support Group, of course Bill, our counselor said it was. Told him to come in and introduce himself. he said "Hello, my name is Scotty and i've been afraid of the dark and scared of monsters ever since I was three years old. I've been on medication and in therapy for as long as I can remember and I'm finally ready to admit that I'm not afraid anymore and I know there are no such things as monsters!" Well at that the entire room fell silent except for a few coughs of surprise as it started to dawn on everyone here exactly what Scotty was. After a long uncomfortable silence, laughter began to spread across the room. Scotty was visibly upset, he looked like he was about to cry when Bill stood up and took control . He told everyone to just calm down and started talking, "Now Scotty came here not knowing anyone or what to expect, walked in here and poured his heart out and this is how you treat him?" Everyone started to quiet up , I was sitting motionless in the back of the room. Bill turned Scotty around and started to talk to him directly, asked him what he thought a monster was. After all, aren't there real monsters everywhere? Child molester, murderers, dictators? Scotty said no, not like that, real life monsters like the kind that live under beds and in closets. Bill asked well if they were real then couldn't it be believed that among them they were mostly nice, hard working folks just trying to make it in the world and that a select few run ins with some bad apples could have possibly ruined the bunch? You know like not all humans are bad just because you saw some on the news and isn't the term "Monster" just a broad generalization that could cover all sorts of people? While Bill had Scotty's attention I quickly exchanged numbers with Bri and started to make my way to the door. I continued to listen to Bill as I made my break for it. He asked Scotty what if there were real "Monsters", if they were decent good people would he have a problem with them, would he be scared of them just because they look different? Scotty said "I guess not, but they're not real so it doesn't matter." Bill asked him "What if I told you that you were in a room full of them right now? Now Scotty, I don't want you to be afraid, no one here wants to hurt you. In fact we want to help you. Do you want to know the truth? Can you handle it Scotty? He said he would try, I could hear the skepticism in his voice. With that Bill dropped his Glamour. Scotty gasped but was handling it pretty well, even for him. I just wanted to get out. Around the room I every one was "coming out" to Scotty, I could smell the fear starting to well up in him but he was still standing. I had just put my hand on the doorknob when Bill called from behind. "Rodney, you're the only one left." I wanted no part of this and tried to argue about it, but Bill was persistent. So, without turning around I took my hat off and set it on the nearest desk and slid my coat over my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I extended myself to my full height, stretched my legs and arms out and that's when I heard the loud THUD! behind me. I was then rewarded with that familiar smell from our past. I am truly sorry Scotty. I picked up my coat and hat and walked out door. I wonder how this is going to turn out, will he show up again, will I have to find a new meeting? Who knows. Well, until next time people!

Party Time!!

Well the party went off without a hitch, well almost without a hitch. Almost everybody who RSVPed showed up, even the Banshee and her crew from the bullies house. They were a little apprehensive at first, but the pookas really opened up when Davy showed with his date and her three sisters. Davy introduced me to his date, Cyrena, she and her sisters were Naiads. I didn't get the sister's names because they were busy mingling with all the new eligible men they suddenly found themselves surrounded with. Seriously I was glad they showed up, it was getting a little manish up in here. They seemed to get on well with the Pookas so they spent the evening getting all cuddled up with them. I think its the accent, who doesn't love the Irish with all their "we little" this and "Oiy!" thats. So after I made my rounds with the guests I BBQed up some chicken, made some hot dogs and burgers. I made sure and told everyone that this was a child free buffet. The two goblins that showed up from my meeting were pretty happy about the dogs, I didn't have the heart to tell them the difference. After cooking and mingling some more I finally got to sit down and talk with Abigail. I apologized profusely for behavior and what I did to her at her place awhile back. Hey, when you swallow someone whole and then pass them through your colon it can be a bit awkward talking to them face to face again. My friend Steve came by carrying a box, he said it was a house warming gift since this was the first time he'd been over since I moved in. Of course I opened it up, had to it was a gift after all and I love presents! It appeared to be chocolate covered bacon. I was very appreciative and held it up for inspection. It had a familiar smell so I asked what was under the chocolate. He said it was Turkey Jerky imported straight from Istanbul! It was then that it dawned on me that the Turkey Jerky was in fact Turkish Jerky or more to the point, dried strips of a kid from Turkey covered in chocolate. I politely declined the gift as I'm on the straight and narrow. Everybody seemed to have a good time. I was even able to get a date out of Abigail, you know to make up for the "Incident". I'll have to plan something special, but where to you take an incorporeal girl to show her a good time? Well once the party came to a close Davy came to me and told me we had a slight problem. Said that since his girlfriend and her sisters cleansed the pool and made the water pure, they were now claiming it as their own. Nobody would be aloud to use it without paying the proper to their Lord Poseidon. Are the Gods even real? I mean naiads are. Goblins, gnomes, trolls, banshees, and all other manner of mythical creatures are, why not Gods. So, does anybody know how to get ahold of a moldy old Greek God so I can get the pool back before the owner come home?