Leaving So Soon?

Well I'm happy to report that the Grandparents have left the building! They left unexpectedly yesterday afternoon. Grandpa said that the next time they come that they were going to stay in a hotel, said they have never felt more uncomfortable sleeping in a room before. Grandma wouldn't even talk about it.(Giggles!!) Ok, I admit it, I might have had something to do with it or possibly everything to do with it! Ever since my last post I have been sleeping under the couch. It's very cramped under there and doesn't leave any room for me to stretch out, but I made do. Anything beats sleeping under those two flabby medieval gas bags. I swear, if I hadn't promised to stop eating children, I would have eating those two just to be rid of them. They are truly deplorable! Always pushing the kid around, making him and his mom clean up after them. I don't understand why they put up with it really. Anyway, while I was perfecting my contortionist routine in my temporary living quarters I devised a plan to get ride of the my aging albatrosses. First I brought David in, had him recruit some of his buddies. At first the plan was to just scare the crap out of them, but I figured that wasn't going to work with these two. They're old, they don't see or hear as well anymore so the normal jumping out of the closet booga booga stuff wasn't going to work. What did work was driving them insane! At first it started out subtle. David and his friends are so small that they can move about during the day without being seen. I just had them start by hiding stuff, like their glasses, dentures, the remote, little stuff like that for a couple of days. Then at night, I would sneak into the room to bang and bump things around while they'd try to sleep. My favorite was just when I'd hear the old man start to snore, I would jerk the bed and they would startle awake. The next couple of days rather than hiding stuff, we would just move stuff. Grandma made a pot of tea and every time she'd turn around one of us would move her glass to the other side of the table. We'd take food off of there TV trays and then put it back after they talked themselves into believing they must have eaten it. I got a universal remote and set it for the living room TV, while they were trying to watch their daily shows I would change the channels or turn the cable box off. The straw that broke the camel's back along with almost breaking Grandma's was when David climbed up on the back of her chair and started waving at the dog. Well I already told you how the dog reacts to him. As soon as he saw David, he took off like a bolt across the living room, jumped up on the coffee table knocking everything off. He launched himself into the air. At this point Grandma started screaming! It sounded like a mix between a dog whistle and a tea kettle steaming. The puppy landed about chest level with a solid thud, the went flying back and Grandma's legs went up into the air and then all three of them went down, Grandma, puppy and chair. David ran out threw the kitchen and the dog was right after him, not before trampling on her old self for a few more seconds. By the time the kid's mom got home they were already packed and had a cab waiting to take them back to the airport. Sweet!! I thanked David and his friends for the help, I didn't have to pay them, but I do owe them a favor in the future. That should be fun, I have no clue what a bunch of gnomes are going to need me to do. Things are getting back to normal, I'm back under the bed and the kid has him room back. The only thing now is house breaking this dog. He sleeps in the kids room at night but when he has to go, he crawls his way into my place and starts whining. It's not a big deal, I'm a night creature anyway, so I take him out. It beats cleaning up after him. I'm here to tell you there is nothing more foul than dragging yourself your dog poo when you're sliding out from under the bed. Anyway, I'm gonna go relax and stretch out on my couch for a bit. I got some friends coming over tonight, its the first time in a couple of weeks since I've been back home.

Unwanted Company

Sorry again for being late with my post. I haven't been getting much sleep as of late. The kids grandparents came in unexpectedly a few days ago and they've been crashing in his room while he's exiled to the couch. So I've been having to be super careful with my movements with two extra people in the house. Also, its no picnic living downstairs from old people. What's wrong with the elderly you ask? Well for one thing, they smell. No not like a dirty, unwashed smell. They have a tricky odor, you'd almost think they smell good but if you concentrate you can pick it up. They always have candy on them so you smell the sugary sweetness of whatever it is they've got in their pockets. You can smell the medicated creams they rub on themselves, the cinnamon for the heated kind or the mint for the cool kind. All of this is just camouflage, its all for covering the smell of death on them. The older you get the worse it is, you people can't help it, it's just there on you. From the second you shoot out of the womb its on you. The simple truth is from the second you're born you are in fact dying and the older you get, the deader you get. Anyway, I get to smell that all night as they root around in the kids bed. I snuck out last night and sprayed them with Fabreeze, it didn't work. Also, old people are noisy. They stomp around all day dropping their feet like they weigh a ton because they don't have the strength in their weak little legs to walk softly anymore. They shout everything at you because they can't hear anymore and they thing that if they can't hear their words they must not be saying anything. They're no less quiet when they're sleeping either, they make all manners of disgusting sounds, seriously its like a bean fueled symphony from the time they go to sleep to the time they wake up...GROSS!! Oh and lastly, I caught sight of a little blue pill that Grandpa dropped on the floor before he scooped it up and took it. I'm to polite to talk about what went on above my head that night but lets just say, COME ON!! THAT'S YOUR GRANDSON'S BED!! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?  Well from what I hear, they've decided to extend their visit for another two weeks. (lucky me) Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part of the Grand's vacation. They felt that the kid and his mom weren't safe enough, living here all alone. They figured that they needed some protection, of course they don't know that they have all the protection they need living right under where they're sleeping. Anyway, they bought the kid a puppy, a really large puppy. This thing is huge, furry and ugly. It slobbers everywhere, its super loud when it barks and it usually barks at the kids bed(gee, wonder why?) At first I though it was one of my kind in disguise, nope, its just a really jacked up mutt. I know how this is gonna work out, Mom's gonna be to busy for it, the kid will take care of it for all of 3 seconds and then I'm gonna be the one who has to take it out in the middle of the night, house train it, and teach it to be quiet! Day one they let him out in the yard while they ate dinner. I peeked out the window at it, it had Davey cornered and was trying to chew him(good dog!) It'll be nice to have the distraction around, I found another drawing of a monster on the kids floor. He knows something is under here and hopefully the dog will make him forget. I don't know what I'd do if he finds out. I'll have to bring in up at the next meeting, well gotta go, the dog just squeezed himself in here and knocked over my speaker. Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.

Disappointing Results

I know my meeting was a week ago and I haven't undated, but I've been a little depressed. I missed my chip once again. No, I didn't eat anyone, but I came close. You remember, that incident with the bully. Had I not been distracted with the screaming and the bludgeoning, I totally would have. So its with that myself and my therapist decided that I should try again and hopefully by the end of March, I'll have a chip under my belt. The meeting was an interesting one. As you know I go because I'm trying to better myself and not eat children. Well we're not all child eaters and we've all got our own problems and hang ups. This week our therapist decided to get to the direct root of Bob's problem. Bob is a Troll, Bob is not his real name but for the sake of anonymity I'm calling him Bob. Anyway, Bob's problem is that he's a bit of a racist when comes to Elves. Now to be honest, I'm not a big fan of them myself. I don't hate them, I just don't go out of my way to hang out with them. They generally fall into two categories, old school and modern. The old school Elves are you typical Mother Earth creatures that hang out in the woods all day playing their flutes dressed in a tunic and tights, think renaissance festival extra with pointed ears. The other type, the more modern ones, well they are fully responsible for the hipster movement. You know, those guys were everything is boring and irrelevant but at the same time trendy but they won't admit it. They pay top dollar for clothes that look like they're second hand thrift store duds. You can almost see that at one time they might have been like their cousins but the tree hugger in them got mixed with to much douchiness. So our therapist brings an Elf in so Bob can face the cause of his hatred. I don't mean the actually cause, I don't think Bob even knew this particular one for that matter, I meant Elves as a whole. Now this elf was the first kind I talked about, a real hippy. You could smell the overwhelming stench of patchouli on him, of course it did little to cover the smell of his weed that you knew he had been smoking before he got here. Even with out his funk, you could tell by the Cheetos stains on his shirt that he was a frequent user. From the on set of the meeting Bob was very tense and withdrawn. Our therapist had him sit next to the elf and tell us all how it made him feel. Bob started going on and on about how they're not to be trusted, what with their slanty almond shaped eye balls and they're pointed ears. I started to feel really bad guy, the Elf not Bob. Bob is a flat out racist and its a shame. I like Bob for the most part, but he needs help. Well I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but by the end of the meeting Bob was crying and hugging this poor guy going on and on about how wrong he was and that he plans on making reparations for the eons of repression that his people had put his people. It was a pretty interesting meeting all the way around. Next week we're gonna work with the Gargoyle who doesn't like pretending to be a statue, he wants to be a florist.

On a brighter side, no more bulling problems for the kid, in fact, he's been coming home really happy as of late. He's been coming in the room, throwing on the music box and playing some good tunes. The last couple of days were a little strange though, he's been playing my favorite music and leaving the room. Just turning it on and then leaving. Almost like he's playing specifically for me. I know, weird right? I've been noticing little things like that lately. There's been bags of chips opened but not one chip is missing from it, just left on the floor at the edge of the bed. He sometimes talks out loud to himself almost like he's expecting someone to talk back. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this situation and get back with you all. Well, good night everyone, I hope to have good news after my next meeting!!