Long time gone

Welcome back to my blog one and all!! I know its been a good long while since you've heard from me and I'll get into that at the end, but happy days are upon us once again in our happiest of households. As promised, the couch dick is no longer here! I know what you're all thinking and no I didn't eat the bastard, oh I wanted to, believe you me. Nothing would have made me happier than to be crapping little nuggets of him out. Alas as I said, that is not what happened. Davy talked me into calling an emergency meeting of my MA group. I thought it was a good idea, I mean I needed to find out if eating this ass pimple would make me have to start over at square one. I got lucky with the bully and only ate his banshee, since she was technically a ghost, she didn't count. So at the meeting everyone was in firm agreeance that eating him was the way to go, of course it doesn't take much to get a room full of various creatures, who for the most of them are on the wagon from eating human flesh, to agree that devouring him whole was the way to go. Of course Bill, you remember Bill, our steadfast stay the course mentor? He had to go all therapeutic on me, asking me if doing violence onto this man would make my life better, how would I be affected in the long run? How long would it be before I made another excuse to eat somebody? What if I developed a taste for adults? What if I decided to start eating children again, but only the really rotten ones who probably deserved it anyway? How long till that happens? And I knew he was right, cause that's how it always happens, Bill would know, he's been around a long time. He's lived all overt the world and let me tell you, he's had some pretty epic falls from his own wagon. To start, most of the Mayans, sure some of the culture still survives today, I guess he got full there. There was Roanoke, he pinned that one on the Indians. The Donner Party, seriously when they found the survivors, what sounds more plausible, we ate them or some giant monster did? After that he tried moving to a deserted island somewhere in the south Pacific sometime back in the late 1930's, said he spent four years there, said it was like the monster version of Castaway. Well as he tells it, he was sitting on the beach trying to get his fire started when this airplane came crashing into the jungle overhead of him. He went and checked it out, said the plane was all busted up by the cockpit was still intact and the pilot was still alive, just barely. He got her out and got her as bandaged up as he could. He said at first she was afraid of him, but over the next few weeks, mainly because she was dependent on him, she began to trust him and the cohabitated on the island for six months. She was almost healed and was moving around good. He could tell she was desperate to get off the island but the plane was so damaged that even the radio was to far gone. Well all good things much come to and end and so did their relationship. She had used up much of his stores and all that was left was catching fish. Well after a week of not catching anything, one thing led to another... Let's just say being on the island wasn't a problem from her anymore. He buried the plane wreck and all the evidence that anyone had been there and he moved back to the states and he's been straight ever since. He went on vacation to China a few years back, but he swears he had nothing to do with that Malaysian flight. Of course Bill was right, if I was determined to eat the boyfriend I was just going to set myself up for failure later on down the road. Sometimes traveling the straight and narrow leads to a slippery slope and if you aren't careful you're gonna fall. Well I needed to do something, there's no way I was going to sit back and let that abusive prick spend another week in this house! My opportunity happened over the following weekend. The kid got invited to spend the night at his friend's house, you know the ex-bully. I've checked in on him from time to time since he and the kid started hanging out on the regular. Turned out the kid is a good influence on him, he really turned his behavior around and I almost don't want to eat him when I'm near him now, anyway, back to the couch dick. As soon as the kid was out of the house I implemented my new plan, Operation Break Up, that's right I was going to get the mom to break things off and throw his ass out! I've dealt with enough kids like him over the years, a poke here, a nudge there and they go off. Once one of these types explode, there no going back, there's no putting the cat back in the bag, or in his case, shoving the turd back up the sphincter. I started small by hiding one of his shoes knowing that would start the ball rolling. Sure enough, he was grumbling through the house looking for it. I planted it so it would take some hunting to find it. While he was searching, I moved the other one, he was seething when that happened. He started screaming at the Mom about where were his "GOD DAMNED SHOES!!" She told him right where he had left them in front of the couch. I was surprised that's all it took, cause when she pointed that out and there they mysteriously reappeared right where he had indeed left them, he blew his lid clear off! He started yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs, he started throwing things and smashing them against the wall. I was watching the whole thing with sadistic glee from my spot under the couch. I saw him ball up his fists and start towards the Mom, so I quietly reach a hand out from under the sofa and grabbed his yanked his foot out from under him and he face planted right through the coffee table! It's a shame, it really was a nice coffee table... Well Mom had had it, she told him to get his crap and get out, told him she was going to call the policed if he didn't. More yelling and cursing ensued, but he eventually left. One of his buddies had to come and pick him up, the dead beat didn't even own his own car. The house was finally empty and the only noise that drifted under the couch was the Mom's quiet sobs and the swishing of bristles and glass across the floor as she started to clean up the mess. He broke some dishes and knick knacks, smashed out a window and busted the front door before he had finally gone. I almost felt bad about doing it, we almost, he was a real ass and hopefully she'll have better taste the next time. It was getting late and Mom went to bed, I grabbed my coat and hat and Davey and me went over to Lukas's for some dinner. It was after hours so the only people there were our kind. Sometimes after closing Lukas will put a sign on the door "Closed for Private Party", and my kind can come and dine and have a night out. Bri and I use to go there until I disappeared on her. While we ate, I told Davy and some of the other guys what had happened with the boyfriend. Everyone got a laugh out of it, a few were disappointed that I didn't eat him. It was getting close to morning and we were getting ready to leave when Lukas came over to the table. He told me my dinner was on the house because he was proud of the way I had handled the situation, told me I was a better person for not have chosen the easy way of dispatching the douche. Then he added that he hoped he didn't come back so I wouldn't be tempted to eat him anyway. I never thought about him coming back, CRAP! How could I forget that? They always come back!  Especially when they think they won't get caught! I grabbed Davey, I literally tucked him under my arm, pick up my hat and coat and ran for the house. Sure enough, when I popped out in the backyard, there he was. He was trying to get into the back door, but he was drunk, you could smell it on him from all the over here. He was fumbling with the keys and kept dropping them and swearing at them. I pulled my limbs and neck in, put my coat and hat on and walked up to the couch dick. "Excuse me" I said as polite as I could, trying to keep myself in check. He yelped and dropped the keys again then stumbled around to face me. He squinted his ugly eyes at me trying to get a good look at me but I was in a shadow and concealed for the most part. I probably looked like some meddlesome stranger who need to mind his own business and that's exactly what he told me to do, except his version had a few more slurry F-bombs, a suggestion about me fornicating with myself and some instructions as to where he was going to place his foot if I didn't leave. I said speaking of leaving and quickly reminded him of the Mom's request just a few hours earlier, with some more colorful language filled out with some incoherent babbling, he stumbled down the stairs and over towards me. He asked just who did I think I was, so I told him, I was simply a concerned friend of the kid's and suggested again that he should leave. He started laughing at me and started mumbling about the kid, that just made me mad, and I was starting to shake at that point. He came even closer to me and told me he was going to teach me not to stick my nose in other people business and then he poked me in the chest. Ok, so he wanted to play tough guy, quicker than it could register, I shed my hat and coat, grabbed him around the collar and extended to my full height. I'm a good eight feet tall when I'm fully extended, so the dick wart was hanging a good two feet off the ground. I rolled my eyes back in my head and unhinged my jaw to make it gape open, plenty big enough to stuff him in whole! There was a high pitch squeal and then a warm splash as my feet started to get wet. I guess the real lesson he was going to teach me was how to scream like a little girl and to piss myself, cause that's exactly what he did. Can't say that I blame the guy, I can be pretty scary when I want to be. I refocused my eyes and bent my neck so I was almost nose to nose with him. I growled at him and told him that if he ever managed to find his way back and showed up here again, I would most definitely finish what I had started that night. With that, I could see the first rays of sunlight starting to brighten the morning sky and the faint shimmer behind him. I abruptly threw him through the way right before it closed, I don't know if eating him wouldn't have been better, now he was stuck between day and night. Worst case scenario, he wanders around in there never finding his way out, he'll eventually just die. Best case scenario, he pops out in some foreign country babbling about flesh eating monster with absolutely no idea as to how he got there. Also no Visa, passport  or identification of any kind, I boosted his wallet before throwing him in, sue me. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we've seen the last of the Couch Dick! Now what have I been doing for the last two and half years that's kept me from updating? Well after all the drama of getting lost and getting rid of the dick, I needed some me time. Mom and the kid were in a better place and with some coaching from Jimmy Two-Horns I was making my way around the betweens like a pro, so I decided to back pack through the old country. I met some new people along the way, met up with Bri in Russia (good times) and just generally got my mind right. I would pop back into the house every so often, just long enough to check in with Davey and crash for a bit. The Kid is getting older and I don't think he's gonna be needing me around to much longer, like I said before, when they stop believing, we stop being. So I'll probably have to start looking for a new place soon or not, I mean its not like Scotty's gonna stop believing anytime soon, I should probably go check on him and see how he's doing. I'm gonna eventually jot down some of my European adventures, but I'm gonna get some sleep first.

Until next time! Peace, Love and Dust Bunnies!